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FOREVER OUR ANGEL, NICOLE
LETTERS FROM MOM'S HEART TO NICOLE'S
Home | OUR FAMILY | OUR TRAGIC LOSS | PICTURES | NICOLE'S FRIENDS | LETTERS FROM MOM'S HEART TO NICOLE'S | NICK AND NICOLE | POEMS

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"My Mom is a Survivor"

My Mom is a survivor,
or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night
when all others are in bed.

I watch her lay awake at night
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.

But like the sands on the beach
that never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mom,
who thinks of me each day.

She wears a smile for others...
a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door I see
tears flowing from her eyes.

My mom tries to cope with death
to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows
it is her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving mom
through Heaven's open door...
I try to tell her that angels
protect me forevermore.

I know that doesn't help her...
or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her...
and show her that you care.

For no matter what she says...
no matter what she feels.
My surviving mom has a broken heart
that time won't ever heal.

By Kaye Des'Ormeaux
October 15, 1998

Dedicated to the mothers who have lost a child & have somehow survived.

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September 30,2015 


Hey girlie,
I miss u so everyday but as fall approaches it seems harder every year. I wish I could hear ur voice, ur laughter ,and get one of ur bone crushing hugs. I wish I had u to talk to. As  I came up the holler this morning from dropping Ryan off to school. He is in first grade now and very lively. Love that little guy so much and u would to. Anyway I was thinking how much I miss Irene we didn't talk often  but I miss her a lot. Ryan remembers going there Trick or treating and the chain saw lol he was so little cant believe he remembers that.
Ryan is getting a baby brother in Feb. He is very excited. Nick seems to be to. Nicks GF has a little girl and she is adorable. I sooo hope all goes well for them.
Sure could use u to help with Ry 's homework. Remember how hard Nick was to get homework done well he is his daddy's son lol. He is so much like Nick and loves his daddy so.
I lov u Sis my life will never be the same  because there is such a void without u.
mom

                         









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January 27,2014
 
Lov u baby girl.
miss u will as long as I live
Happy 30th Birthday
Lov Mom

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November 2, 2012
Hey Poo missing u as always. I havent written in a long time but it is so hard. Taking care of Ryan keeps me quite busy, He is a bundle of energy, never slows down if he does we worry he is getting sick. Sooooo much like his dad when he was that age. Caught him drinking out of the milk jug this week and I said Ry Ry are u drinking out of the jug he said me got sooo hot :). I did explain that was bad manners. Judy brought him some paint I went to take a shower and when I came out table and couch was black from paint Oh talk about keeping me on my toes. Nick isnt working right now Sure wish u was here to talk to him to see if it would help . Lord knows us talking to him dont. I just have to pray harder. We had a family reunion this here. I missed u granny and papaw so very much thought many times through out the day how much u all would have enjoyed it. U all would so love our cabins and place on the hill. Nick took Ry trick treat last night can u believe that, I went with them but was shocked he went Ry says next year  i could just fill his pumpkin lol just like his dad. Lov u Sis gotta go Ry and Carlos are playing in the tub I may have a flood I love u so and miss u so my heart aches from missing u granny and Papaw.
Lov Mom

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January 27, 2012
Hey Sis
its ur BD once again. Hard to believe another year has come and gone.Mom misses u just as much this pass year as all the years before. These passed holidays were so hard I missed u and granny so verry much. Dad and Nick arent really ever in the spirit of anything. They are sooo scrouge and I probably would be to but for Ry's sake things have to be done. You would so enjoy him he is a charactor. Sooo funny, stubborn, and such a joy. He is so much like his Dad.Its unbelieveable sometimes and he is learning things so fast. What I would give for u to see him I remember how u said u just wonted to be an Auntie spoil them and send them back to Nick lol. Well Ry is verrrrry spoiled.
I thank God for him. I think Nick has a new job since I last wrote. Seems to like it. Denver has a little girl now makes him 2 kids, Dad says she is the prettiest baby he has ever seen. he has a little boy Cammron. Jeff has 2 kids both boys. Nick turned 25 hard to believe that much time has passed to. Shawn and Brian graduate from HS this year. Mom lovs u and what I would give to put my arms arround u and give u a big hug,set and eat cake together.
Happy Birthday my precious sweet daughter my life forever will have a missing piece with u gone.
Lov Mom

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July 20, 2011
Hey Baby Girl
it has been so long since I have been here but u are on my mind daily. Had a heart cathe done remembered u being with me and dad last time, and Nick came to see me with his hat because he had periced his ear trying to hide it. Lordie Sis life was sooo different then. Bub has different job says he loves it. Ry is sitting here watching me type. He is adorable but a handful :).I lov u and miss u so.
Wish u could see our cabin I know u would like it.

view from the cabin porch
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March 2010
Hey baby Girl
havent been on here but didnt forget ur BD or valentines day but Mom has been quite busy with ur little nephew. Lordie Nicole he is so very active LOL and climbs like a little monkey. Love u Sis and Miss u so .
We have had a really bad winter , but the crocus is blooming at Aunt Lues so guess spring is coming I hope so. U still come to my mind many times thru out the day. I so wish u could have stayed longer but the Lord had other plans. My heart will always hurt sis. Papaw had a BD in January to 83 yrs old and Granny is next month. You have been gone 7 years dont seem possible and Granny will be gone 3 this year, I miss Mom and Dad to Sis it dont seem like home anymore. I try to have a positive outlook but it is so very hard
Lov u
gotta take Ry for a walk I promised him and he is tired of waiting

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Jesus is the reason for the season

Dec 2010
Hey Sis
Christmas is almost here . This sounds sad but I am sooo glad when the holidays are over. Things are just not the same as they once was.I try to get it together but it is soo very hard. Dad and Nick dont get into the holidays at all that dont help :). I miss u girl. Ry will be 2  the 27th. He is such a  blessing so many times I wish u could be here . I know u would enjoy him so very much. Loves the outdoors .
I took him for a sleigh ride. I loved it except the getting up part hard on and old woman.lol Lord Sis I wish u granny, papaw, could be here . I think what granny said to me once u wouldnt wont them to go thru the sting of death again and thats true. I know we have to accept God's will and he certainly knows best but I cant help the missing so bad, and the holidays are sooomuch harder right now.
Lov u Baby

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Hey Sis
its a beautiful day, Ryan and I were outside playing. He went to Dads. Sure loves his dad.  Sunday as I sat sunday morning listning to the wind chimes u gave me I was sad thinking about the last sunday we spent together. I am thankful for the memories and that is not what makes me sad just that u arent with us. I love u and miss u soooo. rye is growing like a weed will be 2 soon but still wont talk much .Dad did get him to say papaw 2 times. Still calls me DAAAA. lol. Calls Nick Dad. The holidays are fast approaching and these days are some of the hardest days to get thru. They arent the same without u, papaw and granny. I miss grannys company sooo much. The Lord has been so good to me sis couldnt have made it thru these losses without him, and I have a great hope someday we will all be together once again. I love u Nicole.
Oct. 26,2010

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Aug. 9, 2010
Hey Sis know I havent been here in a while but doesnt mean I dont miss or think of you everyday. Its hard sometimes. No one that hasnt lost a child can ever understand how hurtful it is and how hard it is to live with. If they could only see my heart. I miss you so and I still cry. I soo hope we meet in heaven someday and the Lord will wipe all this hurt and tears away. Never having to say good bye again. I miss granny so to. I miss setting on the proch with her in the evenings, I miss her going to church with me so much. I love you Sis and always will
Mom

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BD balloons stuck in a tree 2010
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Ryan is growing
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Baby Ryan

April,  23, 2009
Hey Sis
think of you so much and miss you so much. So wish you could have been with Ryan.
Sure Love the little guy. He is so funny, and soooo much like his dad when he was little. That attitude :). Mom is now retired and love being home. I visited the cemetary today wish granny could see how pretty it is. She would like it she worried about it so much. Eliza and I went shopping today . I really enjoyed it. Wish we could do it more often but seems like time is gone so fast. Bub is still at his same job. I am proud of him..
Ryan sure loves him, and he loves Missy,Rufus, and our mooo moos. Yep dad has some cows now and chickens. You would love where we are building our cabin. I think of you, granny, and papaw so much when I am there i know you all would love it so very much. I know you would since you didnt like the mountains so much. You can see so far and the sunsets are beautiful. I love you Sis and the missing you still hurts so much. I dont think this pain will ever be gone till the Lord calls me home.

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March 1, 2010
Hey Sis
sunday was 6 years you have been gone. The time has gone so fast, its hard to believe. We miss you so. I love you Nicole and mom thinks of you everyday, You would be such a good Auntie, and yu would have certainly had fun with Ryan. He is a joy.
Lov you

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Dec 25, 2009
Hey Sis
this makes 6 christmas's you have been gone. Lord do I miss you so. I miss granny and papaw , and granny Spencer. things arent the same. I try hard to be positive about life but there is such a void that it is extremely diffucult. Nick, Ryan and I went to Aunt Lues for christmas eve. ryan had fun, so many toys he dont know waht to play with first. he is going to be walking soon. Nick got Ryan some neat gifts a little train set we wonted to watch it go but Ryan took the cars off the track lol. Dad is on insulin now I worry about his weight and the diabetes.
we didnt have power for almost a week thought we were going to spend Christmas without it had such a beautiful snow but a lot of people lost their power for several days. Well Mom must get off here. I have loads of laundry and we have to take Ryan to vist his Mom and try and cook dinner not sure what time we will have dinner today. Things are different with granny gone we dont  get it togetheras good as we once did. lol Lord sis I miss her something awful
Mom loves you and pray someday we can all be together to never more part
No worries sorrow or pain never having to say goodbye again.
I love you baby girl forever and a day
Mom

Nov. 7, 2009
Hey Sis
Havent wrtten in awhile things have been hard lately. the Lord has been so good to us. Wish dad and Nick could see that. I mss you so and could sure use your shoulder to cry on :) I love you sis.
Ryan is growing like a weed does so many cute things , dad has him patty caken ever few minutes. He sure loves his papaw. Loves his dad to.
He is crawling everywhere and getting into a lot of things. Nicks place is pretty good baby proofed lol Not much to get into
Granny sure loves Rye Rye. He is a joy. I love you sis wish I could talk to you .
Lov Mom

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August 26, 2009
Hey Sis
Mom has been planning to write for awhile, but seems like time is gone so fast. I am back to work . Ryan is visiting us a lot . Nick Dad and Granny sure loves him so and love spending time with him. He is sooo adorable. Take him to church with me when I can, Last sunday we had a dinner set my plate down and Ryan grabbed it and dumped it in my and his lap. Funny, He is fast. LOL hey I was watching something on TV this past weekend and something made me laugh . I remembered  homely and were I heard that word last. Oh sis I miss you so much. When I hear of a parent losing a child my heart aches for them I know the pain and the loss that will forever be with them. Your life is changed forever, never the same. I saw Brandi B at walmart she has cute kids. Reminds me again what we missed. Mom better get off here and get some things done just took Rye, Rye  home . Oh Mom is now diabetic but trying hard to diet and exercise I think so much about you telling me to eat till I felt full and quit that sounds easy but it isnt, but I am trying.
I love you and miss you Pooh Mom always will as long as I breath. Sis the ache in my heart is still so very hard.
Lov Mom

July 18, 2009
Hey Sis,needed to talk to you. I miss you so. Mom's vacation is quickly going by.
Andrea, KC, Ty and Dereck came for a week visit just left yesterday it is quite lonesome,we had a great visit . and took ryan home a little bit ago he spent the week to. Sis he is soooo adorable and absolutely cute. lol thats coming from granny but he really is. We love him so much. Bub does to and cant wait till he can run arround with him.I love you baby girl 

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Baby Ryan
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Nick and baby Ryan

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May 23, 2009
Hey Sis
I havent written in a while, but will never stop missing you. Life is hard Sis
I have 7 more days to work. So looking forward to some time off. I am sooo tired. Nick is working good and Ryan is doing great.
We get him for visits qute a bit and so thankful the Lord has granted us the time we have with him. I sent up many prayers Sis along with my church family that all would be ok. The Lord does answer prayers, he is still in control off this sad and troubled world. somedays sis I feel like I just wont to go on and be with the Lord for ever more.
Mom sooo  would love for you to hold Ryan, he is such a good baby and loves his papaw. We would love for fiddle to come to but his dad wont allow it. Fiddle and I had some fun times He loves going for walks and I need a walking buddy :) Ryan loves going in his stroller  so hopefull before to long he will walk with me LOL if granny can keep up with him.
He is a doll baby.
Aunt Lue , Eliza amd I went to the cemetary yesterday and put flowers on.
Mom put you new solar lights, your rose bushes are sooo pretty this year.
The one Shelia got you is so full of roses Shelia is having a baby girl soon. 
Well sis Mom is going to close now, another sad memorial day Mom has to work tomorrow so does Bub. We get Ryan at noon so that makes our day a little brighter.
Mom loves you baby girl and misses you so very bad.
 

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March 18, 2009
Hey Baby Girl
We got to bring ryan home for a little bit. Oh Sis Mom so thanks the Lord for it. He is absolutely adorable, like his big brother Fiddle. I just praise the Lord Nick got to spend sometime with him. I worried so much about him not getting to know his dad,Hey bub is good at taking care of him. did you ever think he could be good at changeing diapers. Sis we love Nick and ryan so and wish you were here with us. I know you wonted to be the Auntie. We love you baby girl and miss you so.
Mom
 

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March 2,2009
I miss you so very much .
I love you so Sis.
My heart aches so deep within
I know this pain will never end
till the Lord calls me home.
I so hope we get to walk on heavens shore
to be together forever more
No more pain, no more saying goodbye
no more aching so deeply for a love one
to be with Jesus forever.
I love you Sis I wish I could get one of your crushing hugs,
Them that felt like you were going to crush my bones :)
I wish I could go for a ride were we could discuss all our worries,I miss those times so much, the running out of gas, dont miss that :)
You really wouldnt have bought gas if you had seen the prices we had a while back lol they are a little better now.
I just miss you so much. Bub is working steady now. Ryan is growing, hope we get to see him more soon.
No school today. Went to Pam's dads calling hours only for a little bit .
Nick is going to be a pawbearer tomorrow, and I guess I am off to work again, I am so wonting more home time. Dad wonts me to stay home with him. I pray the Lord shows me waht to do.
Dad has gotten him some chickens, a small bull and he still takes really good care fo Baby and Nikita. I look at them sometimes and wonder of they miss you or wonder where you are.  they are both looking older Nikita is getting gray arround her nose. They fight terrible sometimes.
Scares me
i love you bab and I always will
mom
 

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February 28,2009
Mom, Dad, & Nick miss you so

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Happy 25th Sis

Jan 27, 2009
Hey Sis
Happy 25th  birthday . Mom wishes you were here, but wouldnt wont you to go thru the pain you went thru all over again. Granny pointed that out to me one day , as we sat talking about how I missed you. I had never ever thought of that just wonted you back Mom wouldnt wont you to suffer again. Mom misses you so.
There is no school today. Freezing rain and Ice this morning but a little better out. Bub went to work today. I love him so Sis, He seems to really enjoy his job and that is the part that counts. Saw Ryan yesterday your little nephew. Sis he is absolutely beautiful. He is so tiny . Things are hard right now but hopefully Nick and Misty will get things straightened out soon..
Dad is drawing plans for our cabin  we are going to build I think lol. We are 2 slow people these days. Sometimes I think its no use I think the Lord is coming back soon and I am ready. I just wont our love ones to be ready.
Happy Happy Happy Birthday
Lov Mom

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Nick & Ryan Nicole is an aunt

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Jan 22, 2009
Hey Sis
you are Aunt Nicole now. Oh Lord this is one of these times I soooo wish you could be with us and your brother needs a big sister so very bad, right now to lean on. ryan will be a month old the 27th. He is sooo cute and tiny. I hope how soon I get to baby sit lots. His big brother fiddle is a sweetie we miss him so to. I hope he gets to visit us to Him and I had a lot of fun together. He loved going mountain climbing just didnt wont to come home. Life is hard Sis but mom trys to keep in mind the Lord is in control and when things looks the darkest and seems no end in sight he makes one. I praise him so much for all the blessings he has bestowed on me. I have so much to be thankful for. Ryan is a cuddley little guy.
Nick is a proud dad has some things to overcome but when all is settled he will be a good dad. Remember all those things he done to me payback is hard lol.
I sooo hope he dont get paid back being a mom was one of the greatest joys I have had in this life and I wouldnt have changed anything for the world. I wish there were  words to describe the love and joy you and Nick brought me and dad.
I loved you both so my heartaches when Nick hurts and will always ache from the loss and the missing you, has left. I hold on to the faith that one day the Lord is coming back for his people and we are all going home never more to be sad, lonely, and no more tears. Wont that be a happy day.
I love you baby girl.
mom

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Dec. 25, 08
Hey Sis
Mom hasn't written in a while. the holidays are still so hard for us and seems like this year has been harder still. We love you  and miss you so much. Dad cooked a large christmas dinner Nick just came and got food and took to his place. I thank the Lord for the Christmas we have had. We had such a wonderful church service last sunday. wish Nick and dad would go with me. Rufus likes to lay on my desk while I am on the computer. I miss granny and papaw to Sis but hope someday we are all in heaven together what a happy time.
Love Mom

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Nov. 7, 2008
Hey Sis
you are on my mind so much. I miss you so and always will.there will always be a ache in my heart and soul. we babysat fiddle for several days. His Mom was in the hospital. she is doing better now. we love him and had a lot of fun but oh my if we could trade energy. The baby is 32 weeks now, so looks like arround Christmas. Oh I so wish you could be here.  The holidays are fast approaching they are not the same any more,
will be more fun with fiddle and baby. I miss granny so many times through out the day I wish I had you both to talk to. Eliza isnt doing well I am worried about her. Mom goes to church ever sunday I can now . I look forward to heaven Sis no more saying good bye and no worries.
I lov you gotta go soon be work time. (((((((HUGS))))))
MOM

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Sept 20, 2008
Hey Sis
Mom, and Dad misses you so we went out to eat this evening,and dad looked arround and said granny Spencer loved to eat out. I was setting there thinking about granny Baker as I watched and elderly lady near us
Sis life goes on but its never the same with love ones gone. We laugh and there is some joy but underneath there always a deep sadness for what is lost. Nick is looking forward to Baby Spence. Can you imagine Nick a dad.
I think he will be a very good one picky maybe but never the less a good one.
i miss you sis and love you so very much.

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Thanks Terri!!

August 23, 2008
Sis
Mom is back to work and fall is fast approaching. aunt Lue and I put fall flowers on Papaw and Grannys grave and I put them on yours.  Nick is going to paint our porch today, and his and Misty's. Misty is starting to show some. I look forward to being a granny. Remember we talked about that many times. I pray all is well with the baby ,Nick , Misty and Carlos. You would adore Carlos he is such a great kid. He spends weekends with his dad and granny. We miss him when he is gone. Its a beautiful saturday but I am so tired from working . Sis the job gets harder ever year some is due to aging and some due to the changes made..
Sis I miss and think of you everyday. I miss granny so very much, My heart aches for you and granny, I miss papaw to . I look arround and see so many things he would love on the property now I soo wish he could be here to enjoy it.
but I wouldnt wont him to have to suffer again. You would enjoy the changes made to. I love you sis and miss you so very much.
Lov Mom

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July 19, 2008

I love you I miss you I always will.

There isnt word to convey

The pain in my heart to stay

So many times I wish you could Be at things, See things, Hear things and Know things.

So many times I wish I could hear what you think about things, So many times I wonder what happenend that day.

There is a void that time cant heal it only makes me more able to deal , somedays and somedays not.

So many time through out the day things remind me of things you would do and say.

I so wish you could still be here that will be my wish as long as I live

Lov Mom

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May 30, 2008
Hey Sis
mom went shopping todday. Missed you and Granny so. . Life truely will never be the same for me.
Nick is going to be a dad can you believe it. I am going to be a granny. The first thing I thought of was you telling me you was going to let Nick give me grandchildren and you would play with Nicks kids . lol There is a lot of things Mom worries about but pray it will all work out. Carlos already seems like our grandchild and we adore him . Him and I have fun he sure is the life of the party and when he is gone things are so quite. mom does get tired a lot easier  lol Iif we could switch energy. You and him would love each other. he is sooo funny. Great kid.
My summer break is going so fast , time is going fast. I believe the Lord is coming back soon.
Our world is so full of trouble. i hope Nick and Misty start going to church with me sometime and Dad but  for now I have to try and be patient.
Eliza and Irene came for a visit this week we had a good time visiting. Irene seems to be doing good. Aunt Peg and Uncle June came by and spent the night they are moving to Corbin I hope they will be satisfied . Dad got him a bunch of chickens. you know dad always into something.
i wont 2 little goats but they said noooo!!!!!!. I may someday anyway lol.
saw Jessica's aunt at the bp and she said Jess is doing good. Saw Brandie B at school she has another baby on the way. havent talked to Sal in a while she usally comes on Memorial but didnt this year. I issed her.
Well Mom will get off her I miss you so would love to have a great big hug and wish you could go baby shopping with me wouldnt that be fun Ohhhh!!!!!! Sis I miss you so very much.
Lov you

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May 9, 2008
Hey Sis
thinking of you . lonesome dad is gone to the lake working a tournament.  I have been doing some saturday morning chores. Wont to get some flower seeds planted but it seems like I can not get anything done anymore. time is going so fast.
bub started a new job this week, dont really think he likes it, but hope it will work out till something else comes along. I love Bub so and wish he would talk to me some once and a while but guess its a guy thing. They moved grannies baby girls to the cemetary this  week . She would have been so happy and I sooooo wish we had it done before she left us but I didnt know it was so easy done . I glad we can take care of them now . I have 7 more days of work  and Lord am I looking forward to a break I truly have thought a few times I wasnt going to make it this year. Losing granny, and the pain of the arthritis and other worries it has just been so very hard. It  seems the work gets harder every year could be the age thing. :) :) . Mom misses you so and always will. There is such a void. I thank the Lord for every day he gives me but at the same time there is that aching in your heart  that is never far away. I miss granny so to.  Life is hard but someday if I can just live pleasing to the Lord  I will never have to say bye to a love one, no more worries, and no more pain, joy forever more with our Lord and saviour. He means so much to me .
Mom loves you so sis.

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April 19, 2008
Hey Sis
missing you today things ar so quite arround here.
Dad and I have cleaned house he fell last week and a muscle is still giving him a lot of trouble. Hope it gets better soon. He has his garden started you know how he loves that. I have 2 weeks and 2 days of school left. Sis it has been so hard for me to make it this year my arthritis is getting so very painful. I was hoping to make it 15 years for insurance reasons but I am not sure I am going to. Nick has moved in grannies trailor . His Gf and little boy live with him I sooooo wish they would marry before living together . I know a lot of people do and  his friends are but its not right no matter what the world thinks . However I love Bub so  and always will even if I dont agree with him and I like his GF she seems really nice  and her little boy  I soooo adore.   He is so funny  and I think often you would have a ball with him. Moms heart aches for you sis it always will .  I saw a freind of your this week she has one little girl and and little boy on the way. Geezs I wish you where here. With you gone and granny gone life is so lonely. I miss granny something awful to. She thought she was so much trouble if she had only know or understood how much she meant to me she would have known how grateful I am for the time I got to spend with her. Oh I got homesick  and lonesome when she slept a lot and it was hard to carry a conversation with her but Oh sis I mss her so.  I just hope and pray I can live right and meet you all in heaven with no more saying good bye.
love Mom

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March 5, 2008
Sis
justed wonted to say I miss you so tonight.
I love you so.
I could use a  big hug from you
I wish you could talk to Bub.
Babie and NIkita are doing good
Missey is chubby now
Rufus our cat you couldnt take for the allergies
Nick likes him a lot
Dad is having a lot of headaches
Mom is so tired of working, and chubbier than ever
just cant seem to get it together on the weight thing
I love you , and will miss you forever, my heartaches
Eliza goes to church with us now and Angie You would love Ashton
he is soooo funny, Sawn is 14 now can you believe it.
Whit is playing volleyball I know you would have enjoyed that.
Brian is in the band.
Bub is letting his hair grow out I am adjusting to it  :) :) I think.
He has a new GF we haven"t met her
I ask him if he was ashamed of us but its because he is shy and he says she is to.
I am sooooooo lonesome this evening I miss you and granny so very much.
Bye Baby Girl

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Feb. 28, 2008
Hey Baby Girl.
Mom is missing you so. Tomorrow you will be gone 4 years. Mercy Nicole you can never know how our heart aches. Life is hard and sometimes I think it is getting easier and then sometimes not. I miss you so. i miss granny so to.  I couldnt talk to granny how much it hurt losing you but I know she understood. she had lost 3 babies and I just cant even imagine the pain and she grieved for papaw till the day she passed. Her and I talked a little how life is never the same. Dad and I talked to day there is nothing to look forward to, somedays you wonder why get out of bed.
Nick is thinking about getting an apartment, I worry about him but I pray daily the Lord will take care of him so I hold on to that hope
Life is so hard Sis.  Mom loves you so

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Jan,27,2008
 
Happy Birthday Nicole
No. 24
 
Lordie Sis I wish you where her to be with us. Mom and Dad misses you so. We are sending balloons up for you tomorrow.
Shelia (Sal) (Betty Jo Bob Ann) lol is coming up to be with us and she is going to go to church with Me. I am soooo pleased. Was hoping Dad and Nick would go but only if the Lord makes them :) :)  :) I hope he does. :)
Guess what is happening tomorrow also Angie and Eliza are being baptized we are soooooo!!!!!! happy about that to. I really believe the Lord is coming to get his chosen people soon Sis,This world is in such a bad shape I hope Nick and Dad make it right before its to late. It would be the most wonderful thing for them to go to church with me and I mean really wonting to, really having the love of Jesus in their
 hearts and working their way home to meet the Lord. Oh sis that is my hearts desire. I hope you Granny Baker and Pawpaw and granny Spencer are all together in heaven celebrating your BD. Dad and I was talking today and I ask him wonder what Nicole would be doing if she was still here he said its untelling lol . You had so many goals and dreams. Oh baby girl I miss you so. Sis 4 years are almost gone I miss you as much today as I did then. There are so many times thru out a day that I think how much I miss you being here, your laughter. your funny stories, your joyful way you would tell me about your day. your bone crushing hugs, I miss granny B, granny S and papaw B to so very much. Mom went to granny Bakers house this week to get something and I opened the cupboard and my heart just broke from the missing her all the little things she had just so so. Life is hard Sis and I am really homesick for Heaven and so hope to meet you all there . Love you Sis

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In Loving Memory Of Granny Baker

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I do everyday

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Jan 1. 2008
Hey Sis
the beginning of a new year,Christmas was good but sad. We miss you all so. We are suppose to get snow tonight so may not have to go back to work . yaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.  I know I will be sad later when we dont get out in the summer, but it is so hard anymore. Nick is suppose to be home soon , bringing a friend home with him. Brian and Whitney came to spend the night and got homesick and calle Larry to come get them. I hate it but I wondered without you if they would be satisfied. Whit sure loves Rufus they played all evening.Nick I love so but he isnt the entertainer you are lol. With Nick you are on your own pretty much. Not much of a talker still either.  She gave Missey a bath.  Great news angie got saved at church Sunday night. Sis Mom worries so much about you I so pray you will be in heaven when I get there.
I think so often about you asking to go to church with us that Sunday we never know whats ahead of us. I pray you had time to make things right
Romans 8:13 says For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved. i pray you had time to call on him. Mom loves you so and misses you so
very much. Dad does to. I think a lot I hope you are with the grannies and papaw, You loved them and they loved you so. Papaw was so proud of you.
As Mom always told you no matter where you go or what you do the main thing in life is be ready to go when the Lord calls. I so wont to be Sis and i really believe the Lord is coming soon . The roads are really bad I pray Nick makes it home ok.  Yaaaa!!!!!!!! school was just called off . I remember how you, Nick and I use to wait to hear that news. I love you Sis better go and get some things done. Oh one more thing Mom has gained ### lbs since granny passed . I am trying to get it together. I hope I can its harder when you get older. Dads trying to he is having BP problems. Well thas about all our news . I love you sweetie
Mom

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Dec. 18, 2007
 
Hey Sis
Mom hasnt written in a while. Things have been so very hard. Granny went home to be with Jesus . Lord Sis Mom misses her so, but she had suffered so very much both mentally and physically. I love her so but didnt wont to see her suffer. Life sure isnt the same without you papaw and granny. It still dont seem real granny is gone, as it does with you . I miss you so Nicole.
Mom tries to continue on with life as we must but my heart is heavy and so sad.
Bub is working yaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. Kidding. I love him so Sis and hope someday he finds a nice girl that will treat him right. He has gotten quite a lot for Christmas but you know Bub never had patience and still dont. so he has seen everything He thinks lol. You would be proud of Nick . I am hoping and praying him and dad will start going to church with me someday soon :). Dad likes me being home but we talked often about when I got to come home what my situation would be and it hasnt been easy by no means . Sis mom done everything I possibly could for granny. I loved her so and I dont think she ever understood how special she was to me.
Uncle Brubby just called and a cousin from Michigan passed away. Uncle Clydes son Dwayne I feel so for his Mom I know all to well the pain a mother feels. He is the one you introduced me to  lol (this is my mom she has two feet) I will never forget that. A good memory. I have so many. I think a lot what a blessing you and Nick are to us how much you enriched our lives. If all parents could see the blessing their kids are.
Eliza has been off work for several days she is so sick I soooo!!!!!!! worry about her.
I sooo wish you could have known Ashton,. he is so adorable and funny as  a monkey.  Shawn and Brian start HS next year can you believe it. Your brother is 21 hard to believe. Where has the time gone. Well Mom better get to bed last day for work till Jan 2. Dad has a Dr. appointment friday and thursday Angie and I are going to wrap Granny's Christmas presents she got  some shopping done before she got to sick to go. I dread it . It will be sad but I know granny would wont it done. She  liked getting presents for everyone. the last few years have been hard for her though. I will miss her forever Sis. I love you girl .
Mom

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Would give you that horse you wonted if I could

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Nov. 17, 2007
Hey Sis
I sooo hope you, granny, and papaw are together this evening. I miss you all so and life will never be the same. Sis granny was so so ill and sad, I will miss her with all my heart and I get ill thinking about her being gone but I dont wont granny to suffer ever again. Granny came home to Jesus Tuesday evening Nov.13 arround 12:20 pm. Oh Sis my heart is heavy , granny missed papaw so much. She has wondered where he was for so very long. Nick was so hurt to. Dad says its so hard looking out and no lights . We always was checking on her. I am getting use to being home again I missed home but actually got use to mine and aunt Lue's schedule and loved bing able to be with granny and making it possible for her to stay home though a good deal of time she got till she didnt know she was home. I remember when we first started staying with her, she tried to make things so good for us. she gave me her hamper to organize my clothes and things I need in the BR when I was getting ready for work. I will never ever look at that hamper without thinking how much granny loved me and I loved her. She tried so hard as long as it was in her power to make life easy for me. She loved me and Aunt Lue so much i wish all kids had the loving home we had.
well baby girl Mom will close so wish you could be here with me but it sure is good to think you granny and papaw are together with no more pain and no more saying good by. I am going to do my best to make it thru I so wont to be with you all again someday.
Lov you Sis

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granny came home 11-13-07

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Nov. 8, 2007
Good Morning Sis
we just gave granny more morphine. Sis I believe granny will be coming home to the Lord in a short time, but its in the Lords time, he knows all, and is all the hope we have in this life. I hope granny meets papaw and granny smith as she leaves this life to go home. She has wonted to for so long see granny and papaw. She has talked of you but I think it hurt to much she didnt talk about you a lot. I have been so very proud of Nick the past few days. I love him so . So thankful the Lord allowed me to be your Mom.
Denver brought his new baby up to see granny that pleased me so but I had a really bad cold or something and was afraid to handle him maybe later Nick sure loves it. I love you Sis
BJ  and Angie have stayed with us the past few days since granny has been so bad I am so grateful to have them.  I think granny has realized they were here to help us.
You would love spending time with Hannah she acts so grown up, and Ashton is sooo very cute acts  so funny taking lessons from Nate , Shawn and Angie too lol.
Brian Whit and Shawn are all so tall and skinny . I gave Whit your blue Niki's she has a big foot like you  :) plays ball. Brian is in the band plays the drums, gave them your keyboard I think they will use it . It is not getting used at our house.  Shawn spent the night with Nick this week and they had fun, Boys will be boys lol
Lov you
MOm
 
 

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Oct. 13, 2007
Hey Pooh
Mom thinks about you all the time so many things thru out the day bring back memories. I miss you so. I havent written having computer problems, and been sad. Granny is doing some better today. Was so very bad last weekend, some was new meds and some of it not. I was thinking about taking a leave from work , but today she can walk better feed herself, and her speech is somewhat better. She has to stop and think of the word she wonts to say and sometimes it dont come and she gives up and gets quite. So very sad sis. This week I was doing some exercise and as I bent down there was your picture there in front of me. I felt heartsick,  I remembered your finger nails on your hand that was burned how  your pointing finger nail was shaped.I remember the many times I was in the hospitial with you for the burn surgeries, and the allergies. You never wonted me to leave the room. My heart is still so heavy and aches so, the holidays are approaching soon and Lord Sis are they ever hard without you. Granny dont even know the days now. She seems only to remember the past. She was yelling for you and Nick to come to supper last week she kept yelling cole , cole come on and eat. Lord have mercy sis its so hard. I waited so long for you and Nick and then to lose you .. The leaves are turned so pretty this fall. Crystal has a new baby girl. Frank Henderson passed away a couple weeks ago Pat says she bets you are up there telling him jokes. He was a good friend. We  thought the world of him and Pat I have talked to her a couple times.I enjoy talking to her she lets me talk about you  and it dont seem to bother her.  I wish I could know you were ok and I think it would be a little easier.  Dad jsut got home from fishing  he isnt doing good either. He gets really sad missing you no one that hasnt been thru a loss could ever understand how hard it is. No matter what you do or where you go its with you. You go thru life as usual but deep inside there is  an ache and a sadness that never goes away and some times it surfaces so quick and you feel sick. I know we have to go till our time comes. I hope so to walk thru heavens gate  and there you , dad , granny spencer, and my baby sisters, and all other love ones that have gone on will be waiting and we can all be together for ever more no pain or parting again. I love you Sis
Mom 

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August 23, 2007
Hey Girl,
Mom almost has 3 weeks of school in and Lordie it is harder this year. They cut us a cook but the menu is whats making it so hard, and age :)
may have a little bit to do with it. Dad and Nick are gone fishing this evening. I am with granny I stay everyday from 1:30 till 9:30 on week days except everyother night I go home at 9:30. Aunt Lue and I have finally gotten on a schedule she made and it works good. I miss home so much , but gotta do what I gotta do. Granny needs us. She isnt doing well at all. I sure could use you to spend some nights with me at grannies. it gets lonely, being with granny is not like being with granny anymore. She can no longer go shopping to much . I sure miss having you to shop with. andrea and I went this summer it was fun just going with someone and taking our time.  During the school year Mom doesent have hardly anytime at home . I miss being with dad and Nick. Missey is getting fatter I think, and my new ct Rufus is a terror he gets into everything breaks nick nacks climbs drapes, gets in my purse. He is fun dad complains about him but I think he loves him. Remember he didnt wont Missey either well now he is so attached to her it isnt funny and she to him. Bub put in an application for a job this week I soooo!!!!!! hope he gets it . he is hoping to. Well mom will close I will miss you as long as I live. Life goes on because we must but it will never be the same again.
Lov you

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August 5, 2007
Hey Sis
Mom wrote you a letter last week but I did something wrong and it deleted. You are on my mind so much through out the day. Lord I miss you so bad. My heart will always ache Sis. Granny isnt feeling well at all today. I am worried about her. Life isnt any easier Sis. I remember so well how we talked to each other about our worries. Mom starts another year of school tomorrow. I had thought about going ahead and retiring but decided to wait a little longer . I try to keep a positive outlook but its so hard Sis. Nick and 3 friends went camping last night. You remember ears I am sure. :) ,  Dad just called he is going fishing if he can get someone started with him.  Its a dreary rainy sunday but we need the rain.Mom loves you so and misses you so bad. Granny is complaining of so much pain today so hard when you cant help and dont know what to do. All you can do is pray the Lord knows all things and he is all we can truly count on  in this life. Love you Baby Girl

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July 30, 2007
hey sis
been on Mom's mind a lot today. Almost time to go back to work. We have had a lot of company this summer.  Granny Loves andrea and wonts to adopt her only granny calls it indopting. Mom Loved running arround shopping with Andrea, we had fun. Wish she were closer. Crystal is pregnant. Going to be getting a baby girl.  Really enjoyed being with Crystal to.Her and I sat up late just visitng after I got home from grannies. I soooo wish you would have had time to get to know them. Nick is hanging out at home  a lot lately for which we are happy about. I worry a lot about Nick I know worrying dont help but I do. Remember how we talked about our worries. I miss that so Sis. I miss not having you to talk to, I miss your being in your room and yelling down to me. I miss that call coming by the bank :). I miss hearing about your day. I miss hearing about you plans. I miss your hugs. I miss cooking a new recipe together. I miss the holiday decorating with you and shopping. I miss your funny stories about the funny things that happened to you at work or school. I miss the fact that Nick dont have a big sister to turn to I know he misses you so to. I miss not being able to pick up the phone and calling your cell. I use your cell now just because it is yours. I was cleaning the closet a while back and founf the box were you had packed your dolls away and had written on the box Nicoles dumb dolls It was funny but heart breaking to.  I love you sis , missing you so very bad this evening. When we have a lot of company and everyone leaves the house seems lonely and sad. I think Bub thinks so to. although he dont talk about it you know a guy thing lol
Love you Girl more than I could ever put to words
Lov Mom

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July 6, 2007
Hey Sis
tried to post earlier but could never get it to work.Missed you on the fourth always think of the last fourth we spent together. Mom misses you all the time not just holidays. Dad Nick and I have been playing a lot of rummy. Dad skunked us yesterday Nick and I laughed. We had company over the 4th. Corrine and her kids. You would have liked them. Nick was very shy but him and the boys did run arround a couple evenings. I love you sis. Mom spent the day with granny she isnt doing good especially today she hasnt been up much.  Her color isnt good either. She got a shot yesterday for her arthritis it has helped someshe says.
Lov Mom

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June, 28,2007
Sis
Mom was thinking of you as I do bunches of time through out the day.
Its lonesome this evening. Granny isnt feeling well at all she is in so much pain so wish I could do something. Nick applied for a job today . I hope he gets it he needs one so bad,although he is enjoying free time :). Oh sis so many things I need to talk to you about , Mom needs you. I always will. Last week I got in bed one night and I got the accident on my mind and had to get up. Sis I relive that day a lot. If we had only knowed, but the Lord has a plan for us all. Its hard to live with sometimes but we must trust in him. I worry about Bub so much Sis I know worrying dont help but I stay so scared something will happen to him. Mom loves him so much though he can be a grump sometimes. :) Dad is fishing a lot on the new pontoon he got last year I havent been to the lake much at all Just cant get the time it seems. We painted the house well Nick and Jeff did Dad paid them and they did a great job. They really worked hard. Boy does Bub have a tan, Nicks friend Blake stays with him a lot. I am glad Nick has some good friends. remember how we use to talk about you all being there for each other. We never know what life holds.  I just pray and trust the Lord to take care of him. Well Sis i will close.
Mom's heart aches.

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June 6, 2007
Hey  Sis
memorial day  has come and gone. Mom got two new angels for you. They are pretty. I put purple flowers one of you fav colors. Shelia came and brought flowers to plant, her and I did it. Shelia didnt know how LOL
Her and Derek came up for a while . We appreciate it so.  Mom had a very very hard day on Monday cant go into it here but Mom was so worried about Bub. Remember how I always worried about him well I still do and and I know it dont help but I cant help it. Granny Dad and I went shopping today for a little bit . It is so good for granny to be able to get out but it is so hard on her. She is at the point she wonts to go but isnt able but she made it I had to go back to the car and get her wheel chair she got so tired and her legs hurt so bad. Thank the Lord she has been doing better and able to get arround some. Sis I thank the Lord for all the blessing he bestows upon us. I honestly couldnt have gotten thru your passing without him. I still miss you so very very bad and always will but he helps with that to. Wish I could get bub to understand that, and Dad.
Love you baby girl. Hey we have a new cat Dad named him rufus and Lordie he is so mean. You would love him but with your allergies you wouldnt be able to be arround him. Oh and Missey leaves Bub the surprises now. He dont like it :) :)  Dont blame him.
Mom loves you so

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May 15, 2007
Hey Sis,
can't believe I have made it to work 3 years since you have been gone.This year is almost over 3 more days to go I am so glad , I am so tired. Eliza's brother Earl passed away. My heart aches for her cause I know the feeling of losing a love one and the missing is so hard.
I have been taking Granny for a spin in her motorized wheelchair.You would get a kick out of that I know. Remember how we yelled at Nick saying vehicle coming when he was learning to ride his bike.  Nicole things are so hard for Granny my heart breaks. She wonders why papaw dont come home, wonts to see her Mom and Aunt Evie. Calls me aunt Dot a lot. Aunt Lue says she hollers for you and Nick.
 . Lord Sis Mom misses you so. It has been so long and yet seems like no time. In the  morning as I leave for work I look toward the cemetary and in the sky is a bright star I say good morning to you. something happened today and I wish I could have told you I thought of you and something you had told me. I smiled because I know you would have said something funny. I soooo hope I can walk thru heavens gate and there you will be, with Papaw, Granny Spencer.  A teacher was telling me she say your friend Celena and she was talking about you , others have told me to that Celena mentions you so Mom isnt the only one that misses you. If people only understood it does our heart good to talk about you. I still cry , I always will. Bub made me a CD for Mothers day wished me HMD a week early. I soo wish he had you to talk to. Still hangs with his same friends pretty much has a new GF at least the last time he talked to me:) :). I love Bub so much and wont everything good for him but if he would put his trust in the Lord that would make me so happy and his life happier to. Dad to. From Mom's heart to yours.

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Happy Easter Sis
Mom misses you so.
Dad and Nick does to.
Easter would be happier if we could only spend it with you.
April 7, 2007

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March 10, 2007
Hey Sis
i am missing you today as I do all days. Three years have come and gone hard to believe. It sure dont seem like it and somedays it seems like forever. Mom dad, Nick and one of Nick's friends went to Lexington yesterday. dad had 2 appointments. I never go by these one farms what I dont think of you. I remember so well you talking of how someday you would have a farm and horses. I am so sorry all your dreams weren't realized. I sooo!!!!! miss your company and always will. We laugh and continue on as we must but the joy is only on the surface if only people could see inside our hearts. Lord sis it is so painful. I know with your allergies life was hard , and I know as you got older it would have been harder with the attacks , maybe thas why the Lord called you early. You seem to love being busy and doing things I hope you are in heaven helping and doing all the things that bring you joy, and happiness for ever more. I hope when I come thru heavens gate you, papaw , granny spencer and my 3 Baby sister I never got to meet are waiting for me.
Granny  Baker isnt doing well at all . she was so ill last week I was afraid she was going to end up in the hospital. Sis this dementia thing is soo very hard. Granny dont remember so much now . She has gone back in time. she sleeps  for a couple days only waking for meals and thenshe is up for about 32 hours straight, Its so hard to see her wonting Papaw to come home , cant help her understand he has passed on. Somedays she dont even recognize me & aunt Lue. She is always wonting me to take her home bless her heart It really is hard on us but can only imagine what she is going thru mentally. she does come up with some funny sayings you would really get a kick out of them. Bub wrecked his new car and has been waiting for weeks for it to be fixed, Has the promise of a job. Hopefully it works out soon.  His friend stays with him now has been here for quite some time. Life has changed so much. I see some of you classmates and it makes me miss you so seeing them continuing on with their life. The Lord has a plan for each of us and we were all put here for a purpose I hold on to the fact that it was the Lords will though I will never understand and will never stop missing you. the pain of it all is only bearable with the Lords help. I love you sis
Mom

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January 27, 2007
Happy Birthday Nicole
No. 23
I soooo!!!!!!! wish we could spend it together.
So many times through out the course of a day many things remind me of you and I think I wish I could share things with you. Lord Nicole its still so very hard. Dad tied a balloon to your cross at the accident scene just now. Mom is with granny today and we will be releasing balloons some time this afternoon. Thats all we know to do Baby girl.It gives us some comfort to do that. We love you and miss you so very much. Mom , Dad, and Nick

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Happy New Year
Nicole
I remember the last new year we spent together.
Making candy. It flopped on us but we had fun
I am at grannies tonight she has been so bad all day worrying over Papaw's funeral bill wonting to go pay it tomorrow. She thinks he just passed away and thinks aunt Lue and I are still little It is so sad Nicole.
Dad and Nick are home together tonight. I think Harlis is coming to visit. Dad went fishing today with his friends.  I love you girl and miss you so.
Lov Mom

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December 17,2006
Hey Poo
Mom misses you so, and this time of the year it is just so lonely without you. Then comes your BD and then February the saddest time of my life. i have the shopping done pretty much. Granny and I just got back from the cemetary. Nick came and helped me get her down from papaw's grave. She wonted to go up to it but it is so hard for her. Granny is a lot worse is so sad she grieves for papaw and her mom and brothers and sisiters that have passed on and she looks for me and aunt lue she calls us the little con and lue. Breaks my heart Sis to see her grieve so because I know so well what its like to grieve and the sadness and lonliness that comes with it but no matter how much you talk she cant understand some days. she thinks I am aunt dot a lot. Nick has gone thru some hard times and it breaks my heart to see him go thru it but sometimes thats how life is many valleys and curves.Granny is very quite   some times and other times very talkative thats when she is missing papaw. She told me the other day that she never got lonely with papaw arround that he was the best friend she ever had and the only one she needed to make her happy. Hope Papaw knows that it would make him happy. Mom has 2 more days to work  till break. I look so forward to home time I get so little when I work . Still fighting the weight thing and cholesterol problem I so wish I could get a handle on it. We havent got to go to church in so very long. Granny isnt able to go for that long of period of time. I miss not going. Dad is gone fishing he loves his pontoon.Harlis is with him today, Santa Claus Carl is going to Lexington with him tomorrow for a Dr. appointment. He goes with him  alot when I cant go because of work and granny mainly.
Well baby girl Mom will clos e for now know you are always close to my heart and mind and always will be I will go to my grave wondering why you had to go so soon. I love you soo very much.

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November 23, 2006
Hey Sis
another Thanksgiving has come and almost gone. I missed you as always. Bub barely ate,he is very sad. Dad is not doing good at all, and granny isnt doing good either but she is better today than she has been. Nick's friend Blake and JB ate with us. Dad' neice Corrine and her son Josh also ate with us. She is uncle Willards daughter. Brian and Whitney came visit. Then granny and I went to aunt Lue's and granny ate with them. Only got to see Shawn and Ashton just for a little bit . Lordie that Ashton is a doll and Shawn is getting so very big. So is Brian and Whitney.
Mom is so worried about Bub I hate when people hurt him. Oh sis I hope he knows how much he is loved to. I wish he would talk to me like you did. Lord Sis we need you so and miss you.
I love you Baby girl

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November 2, 2006
Hey Sis
you have been on Mom's mind so much this week. Another trick or treat has come and gone. I miss you so much at all these times. Actually Mom misses you at all times, Sometimes the pain is  worse. Mom is so proud of Bub he is working now. Sis I love him so and I stay so scared we will lose him to. I know everything is in the Lords hands and I pray the lord will keep his hand on him but I also know the lord knows what is best so we have to trust in him , but dont keep me from worrying. I should have more faith. I wish you could have seen Ashton he was so cute. We dont get to see him much. Shawn is growing so very much. Brian and Whitney are to.
They all miss you. Ashton palyed with your picture trick or treat night when they came by. Oh Lord sis mom's heart still feels like it will burst sometimes. Dad is going to Lexington next week to have some test done hope all goes well. Mom worries about dad to. I wish he was doing better and sure wish he would think about  how much he needs the Lord in his life. Mom's gotta go roll her hair  have to take granny to the Dr. tomorrow she is doing fairly good this week. She thinks me and aunt Lue should go home some. she is getting tired of us. LOL We are afraid she will get burned or something she is so forgetful. She gets this way ever so often.
I love you Sis . As long as I live
As long as I breathe. I will miss you.

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Oct. 10,2006
Hey Sis
Mom's missing you. The fall colors are coming in. You know I have always thought fall is so sad.  Wonted to come to the cemetary today but granny didnt feel like it. She is missing papaw so very bad my heart breaks for her, but nothing I can do to help.  Dad went fishing for a little while today. Peg and June came down for saturday evening took us out for breakfast today it was nice. I dont get to spend much time with them staying with granny.  Got me a new Kitten. Dad named him rufus, and he likes him even though he acts like he dont. Nick is working now in a grocery store.
Still has the same Gf and seems happy.  He dont talk to me much so its hard to tell. I know without talking losing you has been so very hard on him. I gave ginger away Missey liked her but she was a little to active for her. I think she went to a really good home. I worried about her.
I worked at the fall carnival friday evening I enjoyed it. I miss home so.
I love you sis and miss you so.
Mom

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Birthday Baloons 2006
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Sept. 13,2006
Hey Sis
Mom is missing you so tonight. I love you. Dad got me a new dog for anniversary what was he thinking. lol I love it. Her name is Ginger  I am not home to much were we have to stay with granny Oh sis if I could just give you a hug or have a long talk once again. It is so hard without you.
Love you girl.

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August 22,2006
Hey Sis
a note to say I love you and miss you and not a day goes by that you aren't on my mind . bub has a job. I hope he will be happy wish he would have went to school but he dont seem to wont to. we have had a lot of company this summer Andrea Craighton, and Tyler. Hard to believe Ty is starting HS this year. Corinne and her son Josh. I dont think you have ever met her. Uncle Willard's daughter.  Crystal and her husband Nathan are visiting. I soooo!!!!!!! wish you had  gotten to know the family better.
Dad isnt feeling well lately and Granny isn't doing good either. Mom is back to work and things are going ok. I just get so tired. I stay with granny every evening after work. dont get a lot of hometime when I am working.
Mom and Dad sleep in your room when we have company. Oh Dad got me a new dog for anniversary this year you would love her. I named her ginger. she is suppose to be a small dog like Missey but duh!!! she has huge feet and I think she is going to be quite large. Missy was so jealous wish you could have seen her. Missey is acting so much older. Dad would miss her so very bad she is a lot of comapny to him when I am not home.
Love you baby girl.

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August 4, 2006
Hey Sis
Mom hasnt written in a while.  I have has some really hard days the last little bit, but things have eased up a little I miss you so. The pain of losing you is a daily struggle I wish I could hug you and we could have a long talk. Most of all just to be together . Oh sis I love you so. Bub may have a job he put in an application. I hope so and hope he likes it. I wont him to be happy Sis. Life is to short as we know so well. We have to continue on till the Lord calls us and then I hope we can be together once again walking in heaven with no worries or troubles . Never to worry again about cigarette smoke or chemical odors. Sis it was so hard to let you go everday thinking you may have an allergy attack. I held your hand so many times scared silly and trying to look brave. I will never forget the day we were told you were gone. It was like a dream and we were going thru the motions of doing what had to be done . the Long lonely days after ward and there are still alot of those the house is so quite sometimes.
I would love to hear you yell once more . There will always be a sadness in my heart missing you. I love you baby girl. Mom is starting another year of work. its hard working and staying with granny but gotta do what you gotta do. Granny has a black eye and face . She fell last friday and scared us so. I think sometimes boy if sis was here she would stay with me some at grannies. I still dont understand Sis why oh Why.
Love Mom

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July 4,2006
I missed you so today as everday.
thought of how we watched the last fireworks together and where
I love you Sis
The holidays arent the same with you gone and granny sick.
Lov Mom

Ringing Liberty Bell

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July 1, 2006
Hey Baby girl
Mom's had some really hard days the past week and half missing you.
i miss you all the time but some times it just consumes me and the grief takes over and honestly Sis I feel like I am coming apart at the seams.
The Lord know how much we can take and then it eases some so I can cope. I have been working on your scrapbook. The one we planned on doing someday,never dreamed I would be doing it without you.So many wonderful memories. Nick and his Gf went out to eat with us yesterday and shopping. we enjoy having them go places with us. Today is my day with granny she is quiet today dont have mych to say. she is staring to have more days like that. she misses Papaw so very bad and has went thru so much grief in the past few months for him. It breaks my heart to see her sooo sad and nothing you can do. we havent went to church in quite a while granny is just not able to make it we have talked about maybe going tomorrow but I am not sure she will be able to. She cant hardly even go to get groceries anymore. she is in so much pain from the osteroarthirits and somedays can walk well at all. Well I love you and miss you more than words can say jsut wonted to talk to you today. I miss our talks so very much Sis. Dad misses you so to. Its a struggle sometimes
to get up for another day.
Love you Baby

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Red Rose, Spinning

June 25, 2006
Hey Sis
The rain is really coming down on this Sunday morning. I was thinking how we loved to set on the porch and watch it rain. Dad is gone to Walmart I am with granny today and Nick is with his GF. It is lonesome today and I was so sad all day yesterday. I miss you so.
i love you girl so very much and I dont understand why but its not meant to be and the Lord knows best.
Lov you Mom

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Vase of Roses

June 11, 2006
Hey Poo
thought I would write. I miss you and you are on my mind most of the time. There isnt anything I do or see that some memory of you comes to mind. I love you and miss you so much. Andrea KC, and Tyler are visiting. I so wish you had gotten to know them better , you would so have enjoyed hanging out with Andrea.  Dad got a new pontoon boat and he and I were talking our thought was we wish you were here to enjoy it. Lord sis it is so hard to get on wiht life without you. I still feel like I am going thru the motions. Nick and his GF have been together for several months now and seem to really care for each other.  Granny is having a sleepy day. I will be going home at 8:30 and we are going shopping Dad says to Wally world if I can stand to be out that late or could I handle it he said LOL .
You know who loves to shop I miss doing it with you soooo!!!!! very much. Mom has a few more weeks of summer break I sooo!!! dread going back to work. I have to spend so much time away from home. Got pictures back today of your BD balloons and it was beautiful how they floated into the blue sky and showed up so good. I love you girl and no matter where I go or what I do always know I'm thinking of you
Lov Mom
(((((((((((HUGS TO YOU)))))))

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May 27,2006
Hey Sis
you are on my mind tonight. I miss you so. Put a cross up at the accident sight today. Dad and I had mixed emotions about it. Lord we miss you so. Bub seems to be doing ok. Has a GF You would like her.
hope he decides to go back to school so far no luck, but I wont him to be happy life is to short as we well know.  we are hoping he will find a job before long. Larry , Nancy, Brian, and Whit came for a visit today Lordie they are growing up so fast. Brian will be a teenager soon. Granny is doing some better but still has some bad days. Got eye surgery in Lexington next week. Talked to Pat today and Frank is really sick. I worry about both of them. Dad went to Ohio this week to take flowers for Granny Spencers grave. We miss her so. I hope you granny Spencer, and papaw Baker are in heaven having a wonderful time. Lord sis I always worried I would lose you or Bub guess that was why we were so protective, but never dreamed it would happen and how hard it is to live with. sometimes its hard for me to be still as long as I am busy I can kinda keep from thinking to much. Its so hard Nicole so very hard. Dad is wonting me to quit work soon but I am afraid to right now. I pray the Lord will guide me in making this decision. Dad called him and missey are in bed , Nick is gone to take his  GF home, Granny is asleep I think. So I better close and get some rest. Granny may get up earleeeey  :) in the morning she sometimes sleeps till 9:30 can you believe that. I sure could use your company on these nights I am here. Got me a new computer you would like it. Wish I could learn more about them :) :) I love you Sweetie always will.
MOM

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May 6, 2006
Hey Sis
missing you. Three more days of work can't believe we are getting out this early. You would be graduating from college if your plans had been fulfilled. God had other plans I hope you are singing in Heaven choir. I know how much you enjoyed singing and the chorus. You no longr have te struggles and worries we still have and for that I am thankful, but I miss you so very bad there are times I lay at night and get sick to my stomach thinking you are gone and will never be home again. I wish there was a way I could actually put to words how much you are missed. The very depths of my heart aches and I stay so scared I will lose Bub. Oh sis its a hard life. I have so much to be thankful for and I am. i praise God for the opportunity I had to be your  and Nick's Mom Dad and I have truely been blessed. Eliza came and spent the night with granny and me last night. Uncle June and Aunt Peggy also spent the night with Dad we had a good visit. Missie loves the attention. You know how you always said she acted like no one ever show her any attention well she still does. havent been able to get Nick to go to school I so wish he would so he could earn an easier and better living for himself . I worry about that but I wont him to be happy to. So I pray whatever the Lords will is it will be done. Dad said Sal is coming for a visit today.  Nick has had the same GF for a few months now.  He seems happy . Life has been hard for him losing you I know and I am sure still is but you know NIck he dont talk about things that hurts. I miss our talks Sis. I love you Baby Girl
 

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April 17, 2005
Hey Sis
we have gotten thru another holiday without you. We had a cookout in Grannies yard. She isnt well enough to go anywhere else. She is better today but somedays are so hard for her. I missed you so yesterday , found 3 more purple bunnies to put on your grave. Shelia brought you a purple tulip to plant . That was so nice makes Mom feel so good to know you arent forgotten  by your friends. Today at work as I brought somethings out the back I thought  of me and you setting on the porch in the rain wrapped up in a quilt reading when you were about 4 If we could only start over . Oh Lord Sis I miss you so and the past couple weeks have been so very hard with missing you. Nick brought his GF to the cookout. That meant so much to MOM I love him so Sis and still worry about him to. I know worrying dont help if it did you would still be here. Mom has 17 more days of work. Ya hoo!!!!!!!! I am so looking forward to being home a little more we are staying with granny 24-7. I love you girl and always will. Missing you so Lov Mom

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I miss you so Nicole
Mom's heart aches to the very depths
2/28/06

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Feb 13,2006
Hey Sis
wonted to wish you a Happy Valentines day. I remember so well the last one you had. I miss you so baby girl. We have a huge snow so I wasn't able to decorate for Valentines. Dad and I went to Walmart to day and I saw the kettle corn and thought of you. Oh Lord sis I love you so and wish I could give you a big hug and get one of your bone crushing hugs. :)
Mom has been off today for snow and tomorrow. I like home time but we are staying with granny so when I work I get very little home time. She is doing a lot better.  I thank the Lord for that. Sis I hope when I walk thru heavens door You Papaw and granny spencer are waiting . That is Mom's greatest hope, and Of course that dad and Nick are saved and can be there to.Wouldnt it be great for us all in heaven together  never to be parted again, never no sickness, sadness or tears. Mom has worried so much about You and Bub. There are not words to explain how much you guys mean to Mom and Dad.
I love you Baby
Mom
 

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Happy No. 22 Baby Girl. We released balloons at the cemetary today.
Mom made you a pretty candle arraangement and a basket of purple roses.
Mom, Dad, Nick, Nick's GF, Sal (Shelia) @ Sal's cousin and her baby. So cute , was all there. Granny and Aunt Lue watched from the house. Granny could only see the purple one, most were pink they didnt have enough purple this year.
We miss you so. I love you Nicole and so many times thru out a day Mom remembers something you did , said, or liked. There are so many times I would
love to share soemthing with you. I was looking at all your shoes and each one had a significant memory. Lord Sis I will never understand why. Mom's heart is so heavy most of the time. Granny isnt doing well at all. I love you so and miss you so very very much
Lov Mom

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Jan. 4, 2004
Hey Sis
was thinking of you as I looked at the moon tonight. I ran home for a few minutes spend most of my time at Grannies now, especially when I work. aunt Lue stays days I stay evenings  so Mom dont get anytime at home during the week. I may make it till school goes out 17 weeks to go I think.  Bub has learned how to make homemade donuts they are really good. He brought Granny some last night. Dad has done running for Mom today picking up prescriptions and going to the pharmacy for me. I sure appreciate him Sis.  Talk to Aunt Jan often and Andrea emails often. I cant get computer time sometimes with Granny being sick. Mom"s gotta go  I love you girl and miss you so I still get sick .

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December 24, 2005
Hey Sis
Christmas No. 2 . We exchanged gifts at Granny's tonight like old times Granny was so sick I dont think she will even remember what went on. I worry about ehr so Sis. Nick's GF. came to visit this evening. Go figure hard to imagine Nick with a GF. Remember we use to talk about when Ick got a girl friend I think you would like her. Nick's friend Blake is with us again this year I am glad he is there for Nick, and Denver stays most all the time with Nick now. I wish you could have met Ashton Angies baby boy. He is absolutely adorable. Shawn is so proud of him. Shawn Brian and Whit are all growing up. Whit turned 10 . Where has the time gone. I still cant believe you ar gone sometimes and to think 2 years has passed. It sure dont seem like it has been that long we miss you so Nicole. Couple of your friends are having babies , and a special one has finished her schooling and starts work soon. I got an email from one of your ALC friends, who atttends another school now, does Mom's heart good to know people havent forgotten you.Mom didnt even put up a tree this year. With Granny being sick and the sadness the holidays brings I jsut couldnt get to it. Nick and Dad didnt seem to mind. We did put you a tree at the cemetary and I have a wreath I put up in your memory ever year. Gosh Sis it is so hard without you. I will never understand why you had to go so soon. I know God has a reason for everything and we have to accept it . He knows whats best but I miss you so.
Love you for ever and always.
Mom

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December 11,2005
Hi Sis
dreamed of you last night, I love to dream those dreams. Dad and I put you a tree up yesterday. We could see its lights from the kitchen window. We put your grave blanket on with purple bows and white angels early on, I love lights on it but they dont burn very long on the blanket for some reason maybe the moisture does someting to them. The Christmas spirit is hard to get into with you gone, but Mom tries because of Bub. I dont really think he is into it either. He has been so very ill and still not feeling good. He had a BD this week, I ask him how it felt to be 19 and he said the sme as 18. Oh Sis I wish I could talk to you and get your advice, I worry about Bub so. Mom and Aunt Lue are still staying at grannies she has her chemo and radiation done and actually seems to be feeling some better I hope it did what it was suppose to, she sure has been sick. Dad isn't doing well  I think the missing you is taking a toll on him. I miss being home but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do and take one day at a time.
Well Mom  better go I love and miss you so very much somedays I tell my self ok Nicole wouldnt wont you to worry and be so sad and I try to get it together but I just miss you so sis I cant. Oh I saw Celena last weekend and I felt so bad I wasnt sure it was her. She gave me a hug that meant so much to me. I love ya baby girl .
Mom

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November 24, 2004
Hey Sis
another Thanksgiving has come and gone. Hard to believe you have been gone for two of them. I miss you so sometimes when I get you on my mind my heart feels so sick. It is still so hard. One day at a time is the only way we can make it Sis.
Mom ate with Aunt Lue and all of them. Shawn walked to the cemetary with me,he sure loves his baby brother and you would to he is so cute and friendly.Brian and Whitney are getting so tall and skinny.Wish I was :).Hannah is getting tall to she is in preschool now. Her and BJ are going deer hunting this week. Dad cooked at home so I went home ate with him , Nick, and Nick's friend Blake. It was soooo good. Dad is doing a lot of cooking since Mom is staying at Grannies a most of the time. She is so sick from the radiation and chemo. Mom worries about her so. I love you Sis our lives is not the same without you. Bub sure needs his big  sister. Mom misses you so.
 
 
 
 
 
 

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Nicole Eunsook

November 5, 2004
Hey Sis
was setting here thinking of you, and being very lonely. I am grannies, and she is sleeping. She sure is not doing good . I worry so about her Nicole. Going thru all this radiation and chemo and wondering how much she can take. She is getting so tired.
Crystal and Nate is down for the weekend. You would like Nate. Peg and June came down last weekend they have 3 great grand babies now.
Nick still hasnt decided what he is going to do I hope he does soon.
I miss you so Sis things will never be the same again. I simply dread the holidays coming up it is such a sad time and with granny being sick it will be even sadder. The leaves are so pretty. Trick oTreat this year we had 32. I wish you could have seen Ashton and Shawn. Ashton was the cutiest pumpkin. I love you sis and will always be grateful for the time we had and the memories we made but will always be sad for the time we have lost and for your not being here.
Lov Mom

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Mom misses you so

Oct. 23.2005
Hey Sis
You are so missed. Dad is going thru a hard time. Wish I could make it better for him but  we both have really hard days still. We always will.
 Granny's cancer has come back, She is now going thru chemo & radiation. They say it is very slow growing and they think they can shrink it . Dr.  says she may can have surgery later to remove it but I worry that Granny isn't strong enough for that. It sure is hard Sis and I have thought many times I wish Nicole was here to talk to. Aunt Lue and I are staying all time with Granny now. I missed 2 weeks of work, but going to try and work as much as I can for now. We both stay at night. Its so scarey sometimes. Wish you could see Ashton granny thinks he is the cats meow
:) :) :). Brian ,Shawn, Whitney, and  Hannah have grown so much. Hannah acts so grownup. She loves school.
Bub is having a lot of company. Hasn't decided what he is going to do yet hopefully before to long he will. Sure love him Sis and I know he misses you so.  Aunt Jan and Cam calls Dad almost everyday you he is so adorable.  Mom loves  you Sis and miss you so.
 
 
 

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Sept. 11,2005
I love you Sis and miss you more than words can ever explain
 

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Sept. 4, 2005
Hey Sis
Mom misses you so. This is our first holiday weekend since school started Labor day. I was thinking today when we took you to AL to check in the dorm how sad it was when we came home. the house was so quite and I thought it felt like a death.
Lord Sis  I never knew how hard the real thing would be at least I could call there and sometimes talk to you. I still wonder why on earth it had to happen. I prayed so hard for the Lord to watch over you and Nick. I have drove to work so many mornings praying for the God to put his arms arround you both and protect you thru the day. I know he knows whats best and there was a reason for  the way things are  but it hurts so. There are not words great enough to tell you how much you and Bub are loved. I waited so long for you. I so looked forward to you both growing up and having a great life. I was looking forward to grandchildren. Its hard to live with so many dreams gone but we have to go on till the Lord is ready.
 Crystal got married Saturday . You know how we always said Angie got a good one well so did Crystal and his name is Nathan  to. We had planned to go to the wedding but Mom and Dad haven't being feeling well . And Granny has pneumonia, she has been so sick but is doing a little better. Plus the gas prices are crazy. I was thinking the other day what you would think about the gas prices.
You sure wouldn't like them I am sure :) :) :) . Remember how someone stole yours several times. Remember you running out of gas 2 times didn't wont to buy gas lol. those were good days I sure miss having you arround to laugh with.
As long as Mom lives she will always get a smile when I think about the day
we ran out of gas coming up the hill to home. :) :)  the conversation we had just had and then no gas lol. I spent the night with Granny last night so tonight I am home. I worry so about Granny sis she sure isnt doing good at all.
Hannah started school and loves it even rides the bus.Ashton Cole is doing good and he loves his big brother Shawn. Brian and Whitney came by and visited a couple weeks ago. That Whit is something else. Keeps you laughing.
Mom  is starting her 11th year at school can you believe it. I cant but it is harder ever year. well I better close. Know that you are always in her hearts and on our  minds. we miss you so so bad.
Lov Mom and Dad

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August 15, 2005
 
Hey  Sis
Mom is back to work , Dad is working hard on his garden stuff and Nick is taking it very easy  :) :) :) .
I have missed you so the last couple weeks. sometimes it just hurts so much.
Last night was my night with Granny, she still has her sense of humor but is in so much pain. I wish so I could help. we dont get to go to church much granny isnt able and I hate to leave her. I worry about it I hope she gets well enough to go.
Hey you would be so proud Dad built Baby and Nikita a huge dog lot they have all kinds of space and seem to really like it. Wish you were here to enjoy it to. I know how hard the other one was to clean. Oh Sis  I wish I could put to words how much you are missed my heart aches my stomach feels sick. It is so lonely without you.
I go shopping and see so many things I know you would like it is so hard.
It is like having a horrible painful disease that will never go away
I love you girl always will .
Lov Mom
 

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July 22. 2005
Hey Sis
you have been on Mom's mind this evening . I had a class at college today and as I sat there having lunch I thought how many times had you ate there. Lord Nicole I miss you so.It is so hard. Nicole Granny Spencer passed July 8th I hope you,
Granny Spencer, and Papaw Baker are all together in heaven and having a wonderful time with the lord  perfect peace and joy.. We all miss you all so much but hopefully there will be a great reuion someday. I love you sweetie and was thinking of you and missing you so. Oh today is Crystal's BD and she is engaged  and will be married in September. So happy for her.
Love you gotta go to Granny's for the night
 

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July 3, 2005
Hey Baby Girl
another holiday is here and mom misses you so. Nick is always out and on the go with his friends. Sometimes they hang here. Granny Spencer is so very ill Dad is thinking of going up there tomorow. Nick is planning on going with a friend to fireworks so guess what I will be so very lonesome. I miis you so girl .
Life is so unfair Nicole. No mom should have to give up their child.
Your life is changed forever, nothing will ever be the same again.. You learn to
exist, survive. Behind the smile is an aching heart and a sadness that will always be there as long as mom breathes. A lonliness that goes to the very depth of your
soul . I thank God for the joy of having you as long as we did. I thank him for blessing me with you and Nick . I never forgot to thank him and ask him to watch over you both . He is what gets me thru these bad times. I couldnt do it without him. I cant help but wonder why it had to be this way but I know God knows best.
Don't make it any easier to live with but he helps me over the really rough times.
I love you and miss you so.

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                                                June 19,2004
Hey Sis
thinking of you this morning, and how we spent that last sunday morning all of us together. We miss you so. You are on mom's mind constantly. I hold back the tears so many times. Granny Spencer is in the hospital . She isnt doing well at all . Granny Baker isnt well either. Oh sis it is so hard to see them suffering and nothing we can do. I love you sweetie. Today is fathers day but dad is so worried about Granny he hasnt said much.
Lov Mom
 

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June 7.2005
Hey Sis
haven't wrtten in quite a while. Not because you arent on my mind seems like it was just hard and I have been so tired. I am off work finally for the summer so maybe I will get rested up. Dad got his diability so he has become a house husband. :} not. He has helped me so much did all the cooking and dish washing. I loved that you know how we all hated dish washing. Oh praise the Lord Nick graduated . Wouldn't go thru the ceremony I know you would have wonted him to I did to but you know Nick. I am so hoping he will go on to school you told me you thought he would  but it isnt looking good. The main thing is I wont Bub to be happy as I always wonted for you.. Our lives are forever changed without you. I am learning to go shopping alone but it sure is hard and it will never be as much fun as it was with you. Oh sis it hurts so deeply. I get so lonesome for you and I miss our talks and the girley stuff we did. Dad is into gardening and Nick is into paintball and spends a lot of time with his friend JB. We havent seen Anthony or Jeff in quite a while, Denver is working a lot now so we dont see him much either.  Nick is planning to look for a job starting next week he says.
I love you sweetie . Oh I got some old pictures developed yesterday and I was so surprised it had some of you giving me hugs. One all 4 of us together.
Imagine my surprise and sadness to. Oh Lord sis no one that hasnt went thru this has no idea how hard it is.
I love you

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 Hey Poo
Mom called you poo a lot when you were little. I miss you so .
Got my bedroom papered. I think you would like the paper.
Easter is nearly here and I will always remember you saying you didn't need a basket but you would always need the candy.  :) :) :).
Mom has written down things you liked and funny things that happened I wont to be able to go back and remember. I am afraid I will forget all your funny sayings and the funny things you did. Oh sweetie you were such a joy.
Dad and I were talking how you and Nick are our lives you made it so complete.
We miss you so very very much.
Lov Mom Dad and Nick
3/19/05

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March 1, 2005
Sis
It is inpossible to believe it has been a year,yet the agonizing pain of losing you has been with us and still is. We all miss you so much and always will.
You brought so much happiness, joy, fun to Mom. I think so often how much I even missed you when you were so busy and away from home so much. Lord Nicole this is by far the hardest thing Mom has ever endured. I think a lot how you and Nick have blessed our lives. You both are so very very special. I cleaned your room and straightened it but ever thing is pretty much the same. Some says I should let things go but evertime I think I can  it just hurts so much I cant.I think how we once talked and I told you your room would always be there no matter where you went when you came home it would be there I can not remember what you said to me but one day you had made a remark to me that let me know you wonted your things to stay there. Of course we never dreamed this road life would lead us to. Dad and I were talking how no matter were we go or what we do something reminds us of you. You are always on our minds. I really cant think of words to describe how much we miss you and how painful this is. As long as I breathe I will miss you and be sad for all the time and dreams we all lost.
I love you so very very much Sis

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We Love and Miss You So Much
Mom , Dad and Nick
                                                                             

 
 
Happy 21st. Birthday Nicole
January 27,2005
Mom Dad and Nick miss you so
Wish we could all be together today'
Love you Baby Girl
My friend

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Jan. 15,2004
Hey Sis,
mom has missed you so today. My heart just aches with missing you. Its like having a illness there is no cure for . The pain is so awful , the lonliness sometimes feels unbearable Bub is always on the go. I dont think he likes to be home at all. He still dont talk of you I know it hurts to much. Each of us has had to handle this in our own way. There are not word to tell you how much you are missed how heavy our hearts feel , how lonely our home seems. Sis it is so quite.
Mom cleaned your room and put things on the shelves. Changed you bed and cleaned the floor. Dont look like you left it but your things are there. Some  things are like you left them. Missie still leaves you presents sometimes but only a couple since you left. I think she misses you. She goes to Bub's room but not yours. I have wondered if she understands how sad we are and why. She is very smart and she has heard a lot of crying. .Granny has been in the hospital, and today seems to finally be doing better. I worry so about her but you already know that.A guy broke in our house last week and yes you know him  as well as we do. Thank God dad came home when he did. He didn't get to take anything. Oh Sis
Mom loves you  so much.
 

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Dec. 27,2004
Hey Sis
Mom misses you so. I am going to try and clean your room today. I tried before but couldn't get it done. It is so hard Sis. Oh Baby girl I miss you so.
Lov Mom

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Dec. 25, 2004
Hey Sis,
We are getting thru our first Christmas without you. we miss you so and Always will. We went to Aunt Lue's last night and opened gifts . Nick seemed to have fun and was so good to help . I love him so sis and stay so afraid I will lose him to. We have done everything the same as we always have. Except mom hasn,t cooked as much. I just couldn't and I didn't send cards this year. I started to and it was to hard not putting your name on them . so I just quit.The only thing different is we go to aunt Lue's now for get togethers because they have more room . Granny sure isn't doing good. I worry about her so . You know me worry wart. I remember you worrying about raising kids you didn't even have yet. lol. Oh sis I have so many fun  memories.
Mom loves you so  and we all miss you.
I love you Baby Girl
 
 

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December 15,2004
 
Hey Baby Girl
Haven't written here in a while so thought I would today. We are off for a snow day.
Wish we hadn't started to miss this soon. I was listening to all the sounds in the house a little while ago and thinking even the sounds are the same but I miss hearing you voice so much. Mom watch last years video from Christmas and it just made the hurt more intense. I see so many things you would like when I shop and I haven't got Bub's yet. Dad already gave him his. You wouldn't be surprised if you saw it. I love Bub so sis. Mom loves and misses you so. Granny still isnt doing good. Oh Lord sis life is so hard sometimes. You would love the decorations at the cemetry. I know some people think its crazy but its helped me get through some awful hard days. Mom has worn the grass out around your grave. You loved our big tree so Mom and Aunt Lue made you a blanket out of it and I decorated it with Purple bows and lights that Aunt Jan Tyler and Andrea sent . We have put a lot if angels on it. Eliza gave me two that are so cute. Aunt Jan sent a purple one and Tyler gave me one when we went to visit last week I miss you so when we go on trips Nick never talks hardly he seems so lonely or is it a guy thing I dont know.
Dad has some really hard days misssing you. It seems unbearable still .
I love you sweetie and miss you so
 

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  • November 16, 2004
Hey sis
havent written here in a while, but mom is keeping a journal now so I write there. Somethings are just  for you and I.  I love you and miss you so. As the holidays and your birthday fast approach it is really hard but the Lord will see us thru. I try to think now you have no more worries and you have no more allergies  no more worrying what people think of your scars. I miss you so. Our lives are not the same
we exist and go about work and  all the things you have to do but you are always on my mind. When I look at a beautiful cloud , a sunset,a bright star, I wonder does she know really how much this hurts not having her with us. Does she really know how much she is missed.
Oh baby girl you and Bub are our lives and part of us left the day you left.
Love mom

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October 15, 2004
 
Baby girl
Mom misses you so this evening. I visited the cemetry and it seems so lonely. The weather is changeing . The leaves are beautful but it is so sad. I miss you so.
Oh Sis sometimes I feel like I cant make it without you, I know we have to go on till the Lord is ready and he helps me get through each day. I couldnt make it without him, But it still hurts so awful bad. I wont to hear you voice , give you a hug,  hold your hand , have a long talk, watch tv together, take a drive , go shopping. Oh sis I miss so much. I need my friend my buddy.
lov mom
 

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October 12, 2004
Hey Sis
Mom  still misses you so much. as long as I breathe I will. my best buddy,
my friend. Not much has changed since you have been gone. Nick keeps a friend here most of the time. Its time to order his senior stuff but not sure what he is going to do. You know Nick , he dont wont to go thru the graduation cermony.
I kinda wish he would  but there are a lot of memories in that gym and maybe it is to hard for him.Granny still isnt doing to well. her arthritis is so painful. Eliza and me go shopping every once and awhile. Angie is doing ok the baby and all. :) :)
Oh sis I was looking forward to being a granny someday.. So many things mom misses. Our long talks. What I would give to have another one. Mom still goes to the cemetry everyday . Unless something prevents me from going. Granny likes to go but she isnt able to go much anymore. Nicole mom was and always will be so proud of you. I love you baby girl. I remember that last friday we spent the day together. You talked  to us so much. You usually slept when we went to Lexington but this time you didnt. You jabbered there and back. :) :)
Mom always loved you talking to her. I even missed you when you worked so much, and was gone a lot. I remember just watching the clock till you got off and  looking so forward  to you coming home. I loved picking you up at work that meant we got to spend time together. I dont think you realized how much mom treasured you and the time we had together. I wish Nick would set down and talk to me. I know its a guy thing. Nicole you are in my thoughts so much. I go to bed at night and I get my mind on the fact you are gone and that I wasn't there to hold you when you were hurting and that you passed before we could get to hospital and it tares me up inside. Oh baby girl I miss you so much.

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       September 30, 2004
 
       Hey  Baby Girl
This makes week no. 30 Mom and Dad misses you so. i know Bub does to but doesnt talk about it. I wish he could. He has had some hard times lately. Mom nadn Granny went to church today. Granny is not doing good at all. Dad isn't feeling well. Aunt Jan is having surgery tomorrow and Granny Spencer went in a nursing home till she is able to take care of her again. It is a very bad surgery i sure hope everything goes ok. got some good news. Angie is pregnant. Shawn is so happy. He will make a great big brother. I sure looked forward to you having kids someday. I just wonted you to be happy Sis. Your room is preety much the same . I havent made your bed yet. It is so hard Nicole. I miss you so much. I use to sit in your room and I felt close to you but now it just seems to make me sadder. So I dont go up there to often but mom does need to dust and clean.
Well Baby Girl it has taken me so long I messed up the first letter so I will close and try and sleep . Monday's are hard days.
Lov ya Sis forever and always
Mom Dad Nick   
 
             
 

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                             Sept. 5,2004
Nicole today has been an especially hard day for mom. 
So many things I miss telling you Nick has a girl friend wont mention name here guess wouldnt be fair to Nick.  He got her a birthday present today wish you had been here to help pick it out. You were good at that and I know you and Nick would have enjoyed doing it together. I cried a lot  today. I love you so much and Miss you with all my heart and soul. I love you baby girl  week No. 27

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  August 29.2004       
       Hey Sis                 
today has been a hard day. I have missed you so and cried a lot. I remembered how we spent the last sunday morning  together. you and Nick jumped on mom and dads bed and missie and we played with her and laughed. Dad made breakfast and we all ate. i was going to do laundry but it came to my mind to wait for you to leave I am so glad I did. Dad came home and ask if you had called and I said no but you probably would in a little bit you were in catalog that day. He called and they said you hadnt come in ,we began to worry and I called your cell but no answer. Dad called work again and they said you still wasnt there. We hurried out to look for you and as we kept meeting cars a few at a time I knew something was wrong. As we went thru the traffic light we both saw your car . Oh god sis the rest was a horrible
horrible time it was like a bad dream you couldnt wake up from.
We miss you so. As long as I breathe I wil miss you. You were so special.
Mom waited to hear  how your day went and the funny stories you could tell
The joy you gave me was so grand. I missed you so when you worked and
was gone a lot. My life will never be the same it will be changed forever.
We love you and miss you.
your stars  glow on your ceiling still and always will
    

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Love You  Nicole

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August 11.2004
Hey Sis
just wonted to write to tell you as always I still miss you so. Mom has began
her 10th year at work. Nick has statrted school  and seems to be liking it ok. You no Nick man of few words. I love him so. I came home from work on Monday and looked at the clock and it hit me you always called when I got home either from class or work.  What I would give to get one of the calls now oh Nicole this still hurts so.  I got the nicest e-mail from a girl that had gone to school with you and Nick briefly . She graduated from RW in 93. It  lifts my heavy heart to  have some one  write me about you or see someone has signed your guest book. It means so much .  I hope dad likes retirement .
I would love  to hear your voice , get a hug, hear how one of your days went.
listens to your plans for the future. I would love to talk to you heart to heart one more time. I know you knew how much you and Bub meant to mom and dad. I know you didnt always agree with us about  somethings but you knew we loved you.  Mom dont worry about things I should have done because we did everything in our power to give you a happy life. I do worry because you didn't get to have the future you wonted so. I  worry because  you aren't going to be with us as we grow old. I worry because Nick wont have his big sister to lean on. So much we all will miss out on.  See I still worry  :) :)
I love you girl forever and  will always miss you.
 
Lov Mom
 

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                 August 2, 2004
                   
                                   Hey Sis
 Mom has been missing you so today. I miss you everyday but some days are harder than others it seems. I dont know why. You are on my mind constantly. there are so many times I need to tell you something.
We went away for 3 days on a mini vacation. There were so many things you would have enjoyed I had to choke back tears a lot. I missed you so. Eliza went with us. Her Mrs Ellie and I had fun  but I missed you. We went to a lot of small shops just browsing like you and I enjoyed doing. Baby girl I still ask the question why . I just miss you so. All the joy has gone from me. I do all the things I am suppose to do or have to do but it isnt the same and never will be. I think Nick enjoyed his time away. Granny has another test tomorrow so far everything has come back ok. Sure hope this does.
Dad is thinking of retiring soon. hasnt decided on a definite date.Carl stayed with missie while we were gone. Missie likes everyone as you know. I put an ornament at the cemetry that you liked I got it while we were away. Hope no one takes it they have taken several things lately.
Hope they never know how it feels to lose a child and have someone rob its grave. they took your wind chime I made you for your dorm room. It made me so sad. Mom has stayed busy this summer but haven't done any cleaning. I just dont worry about it anymore. its almost time for me to go back to work and I'm dreading it so. I may retire to after dad gets things settled. Thats what he wonts me to do.
Its a hard decision.. I never dreamed you would be gone at this time of our lives. It is just so hard Nicole. You and Nick are our world. Now part of our world is gone. I hope someday we can walk on streets of gold together. No more worries and trials. I remember reading the bible to you and Nick and us talking about what heaven would be like. Oh sis I could bare this much easier if I knew you were there waiting on me.I love you so and miss you so.
Love Mom

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July 11,2004
Hey Sis
  Today makes 19 weeks . I miss you so much and had a couple of horrble weeks . Today Eliza, Dad, and I went to my cousin Marcel's husbands funeral.
I  thought so much about her this evening . After everyone goes home the pain and loneliness is so horrible. And the time a head is so hard.
It is hard to find joy in anything. Granny is not doing any better. I worry so about her.I wish I could ease her pain. The osteo. is so painful.
Nick didn't go with us today . I wonted him to but he hates getting in crowds. He would have set in the car. Granny couldn't go she wasn't  feeling well enough. Baby girl it is late and mom has to go to the Dr. office for granny and run some more errands tomorrow so I will write again soon.
  Lov You Mom

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LOVE  YOU SIS

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               July 8, 2004                                 
Hey sis,
mom hasn't written in awhile I have just been so heartbroken I  just couldn't.
I missed you today. I took granny to to the  Dr. and we had to stay about 61/2 hours while granny took a treatment. I know you would have set with me had you been here. I miss having you to go with me. I miss your laughter. The house is to quite. I miss your hugs and I really miss having you to talk to. You are my bestiest friend. Oh sis life is so hard. Like granny said it is never the same again. The 4th was so hard. Angie and Shawn went to the fire works with us. We sat close to where You, Dad, and Me sat last year. I missed you so. We had a dinner at the picnic table in the yard. Larry, Nancy,Brian, Whit, Angie.Shawn, BJ. Hannah, Denver,Granny, Nick, Dad, and Me.It was good to have company . I missed you so. Everytime I see pasta salad I think how much you liked it. After everyone went home it was almost unbearable lonesome but it is something we have to face. Dont make it hurt any less. Nick and Me are going shopping for his school clothes tomorrow. Lord do I miss you helping us with that . you had good taste ,expensive taste lol I remember us laughing about that a few times.
I love you baby girl and miss you more than words can ever tell but I wish this awful hurting would ease up. 
Lov Mom, Dad, and Nick
 
 

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 June 27,2004                                 
Hey Sis,
wonted to tell you about our day. Of course I thought of you often and wished you were here to share it. It makes me sad Nicole so sad. My heart breaks when it hits me you are gone forever. shawn spent friday and saturday night with us I think he had a good time. He slept on one end of the couch and me on the other I told him thats the way you and I use to do.. Oh sissy I miss you so. We went 4 wheeling with Angie, Nathan, and Shawn today we had a really good time I missed you but it was good to get away from the house for a while.
I picked up some special rocks to bring back to you I always try to do that when we go somewhere I can. I remember how you and Nick loved to pick up pretty rocks when you were small. Nick and Shawn had a ball in the mud puddles. Oh Nate did to. Granny 's iron level is very low and she hasnt been doing good at all but with medication she seems to be doing a little better.I hope it works. My vacation time is quickly going away sure dread going back to work  Heard Mr. Z is leaving Pennys and going to one in South  Carolina
Mom dont have any of her cleaning done she usually does. I just dont have the heart to get at it. Nick washed the house down did a great job.
I love you baby girl and mom will always miss you. 
                Love mom

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                                            June 20, 2004
 
Hi Sis,
this is dads first fathers day without you. We all miss you so but special days are harder  it seems. We took granny Spencer home this weekend. we got a motel room  close to Aunt Jan's that what nick wonted. Had planned on staying 2 nights but Nick was so lonesome we came back home the next day. Stu wrote a beautiful poem for us. Cameron is growing and is so sweet. I miss you so when we travel. You and I check things out more than Nick and Dad does.
We saw so many reminders of you this weekend. We passed the house were we bought your first bike , a section of road were dad walked with you once  because you were tired of riding and dad ask me to check the traffic for him and when I looked in the side mirror objects in mirror are closer than  they
appear I remembered the time you nearly went in the ditch and I read the words to you we were laughing you hadnt caught what it meant duh.
I cried I sure miss our fun times sis. it breaks my heart that they wont be anymore. Oh baby girl I love you so much. Sometimes Nick acts so sad it breaks my heart wish I could take all his pain. We have been talking about going shopping for school clothes. I dread that . I did go to Maurices and get him some t shirts and he liked them can you believe that. I miss your help there to. I miss my friend so much. My little helper. My little worrier. I miss everything about you. I love you baby girl. Shawn helped me walk baby and nikita last week. Brian and Whitney went to cemetary with me one evening. Whit fell on the steps and scraped her knee. She is so tough. They all miss you so. Rodney came by one evening last week. He cried and I cried. He went to the cemetary alone. We were nice  you would have been proud of us. Bub wouldnt come down butthat is Nick.
I love you and miss you so much later
                                          Love Mom

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   June 7,20004
Hi Sis,
yesterday  made 14 weeks you have been gone. I miss you so.
My heart aches and my stomach hurts and I feel so lost without you.
They say this is a long journey grieveing  for someone. I dont think the hole in my heart will  ever close. I love you so. 
Granny Spencer has come for 2 weeks . We picked her up yesterday.
Nick seems to be ok with summer school. Actually last week Nick seemed happier than he has in a long time. I wish I could take his pain.
I got to hold Cameron yesterday. He is absolutely beautiful. he is so sweet. They are so blessed to have him. If I wasnt my age  na never mind. lol  I remember you always wonted another brother or sister.
I am planning to start walking again . Going to try to take baby and nikita.
I wont to do it early in the mornings but not sure I can get moving.
Wish you were here to walk and talk with me. It made it easier when you did.
Hey yesterday we passed a gas station in Allen and I thought of some fond memories you and I  had that day we drove up there. Remember Oh baby.lol
Oh well have so much I would like to tell you but cant in this letter .
I love you baby girl . I miss you . You brought me so much joy.
I miss the memories that will never be. I love you Nicole
                                  mom

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                                                    June 1 ,2004
 
Hey Sis
wish I could hear your voice. It has been 13 weeks. I try to imagine how your voice sounded. In the evenings when I go to grannies and the sky is so pretty I can just hear you yelling yahoo the way you use to.Oh Sis this is not getting any easier. Mom misses you so so much. I'll never stop missing you. I just dont understand why. I love you baby girl. On the outside we have to go on but on the inside we are still crumbling. The tears are still there. The heartbreak ,the agony of our loss. Dad got Bub a 4 wheeler . Scared so bad he will get hurt.
As he went up the road for his first drive. We stood there watching and we both was thinking the same thing. I wish Nicole was here. It is so hard to find joy sis.
  Brian and Whitney came to visit. They miss you and wonted to go play in your room. I  let them . I know you would have been right there with them .
   Nick starts summer school today. I sure  hope he trys to pass this course..
I love you sissy .
 

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May 18, 2004

Hey Sis,

wanted to tell you I love you. I miss you. My heartaches, It hurts so bad still. There are so many times I want to tell you things.

Tomorrow is the last day of work. That vacation we had planned for us all to go on, just wouldnt be good without you. I really dont wont to do much of anything. Going to the mall will never be the same again. I wish I could really put to words how much I miss you. I have to just keep putting one foot in front of the other but it sure isnt easy. Bub did his drivers class tonight. He is going to summer school I think for his last semester of English. I know it has been so horrible for him losing you but he want talk about it. Granny has a lot of pain but she still keeps working. I love her and worry about her so but you already knew that. I miss us sharing our worries together. That was some of our fun times sharing our worries :). Eliza is having a little problem with her BP

I worry about her Sis. She is not just a cousin. She is a best friend to. We went shopping Monday after work, my coffee pot broke. We had the best time . Then she came up and we went to the cemetery and had some good laughs. She was carrying missie and almost fell, I said oh missie are you ok. We all laughed. She said hey worrying about your dog what about me or something like that. :) :) :) Nicks friend David got really sick and has been in the hospital. Denver still stays a lot. Nick is happy he gets to let a friend ride with him. You know Nick doesnt like to do things alone. We just wanted him to get some practice before having anyone in the truck. We sure worry about him sis, just like we did you. Baby Girl mom will always miss you , always love you and always need you. I am so proud of you and Bub. I wish we could have grown old together. I was looking forward to planning your wedding someday. I wanted grandchildren. I use to think what your little girl would look like. Your beautiful eyes and hair. She would or he would have been beautiful. I even knew the church I wanted your wedding in someday. I just

never got around to telling you I wish I had. I wish I had.

LOVE YOU SIS :( :( :(

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May 7, 2004

Hey Sis,

setting here thinking about you. Baby girl this week has been so hard. I have cried a lot. My heart is just so broken it don't feel like time will heal it. Nicole I just miss you so much. I just see so much that reminds me you are gone and that you want ever get to do some of the things you wanted. the hurt is almost unbearable. the Lord said he wouldn't put more on us than we could bare but sometimes I sure feel like Im not going to make it.

Crystal came to visit and stayed 3 nights. I was so pleased to have her. We had such a good visit. I kept thinking if you could only have had time to get to know her you guys would have really hit it off. She likes funky socks to.

Granny isnt feeling good I worry about her so much Nicole. We got our new carpet we had planned on before your accident. Nicole things done bring happiness like they did. I keep thinking if only you were here to enjoy it with us. Baby girl I will never be the same again.

Dads at the garden and Nick is working on his room. He drives down to Denvers and plays ball some evenings. I'm so scared he will get hurt Nicole. He seems like a good driver but the other guy sometimes

dont look out. I wish we could know what really happened that Sunday. Oh Lord Sis,

I would like to skip all holidays Sis but that wouldnt be fair to Nick.

I'm still Eliza's partner at work. she misses you to . No one else calls her meanest.

I miss you sis, Oh Lord sis, no one that hasnt lost a child could ever understand the agony you feel

I wish I could hear your voice . I wish I could get a hug. I wish I could hold your hand like I did so many times during your attacks. I wish we could go for a walk and talk. I wish I could go shopping with you.

I wish we could watch Reba together havent watched since youve been gone. I wish I could go for a ride with you. I wish we had got your room done the way we talked about. I wish you could cook us another meal. You was a good cook Sis I wish you could help me pick out the wall paper for my bedroom.

I wish you and Nick could have grown old together. I love you girl and mom will always miss you and need you. I just dont understand sis. I really dont?????

Mom

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May 2, 2004
Sis,
 just got back from church . We started going to the church were Brubby goes. I wish you could have gone. I think you would enjoy it. You know you ask me if we went that sunday
could we wait for you to get off work. We didnt know we would never have the chance to go together again. Oh sis I miss you so. Nick is driving to school some now. I worry about him so much. I wont him and dad to go to church with me. All I can do is pray. I still have all those worries Nicole just dont have you to talk to. Oh Lord Nicole moms heart just breaks so. I took your dirty dishes out of your room saturday and the 2 large bags of papers you never took to the trash. I miss your clutter. I still cant believe you are gone. I love you baby girl you mean so much to mom, dad and Nick.
                           Love you momBlinking Heart 2 

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April 23, 2004

Hi Sis, tomorrow makes 9 weeks you have been gone. My heart still aches. I still go to bed and cry because I miss you so. I miss your laughter, I miss watching TV with you. I miss your daily stories of what happened in your day. I miss seeing you in your room at the top of the stairs. Remember how I teased you for standing and watching TV. I would love to look up there and see you standing there. I haven't touched your room yet cant stand to move anything. your pink scrunches is laying on your bed just were you left it. Your clothes on the floor is still there . Your dirty dishes are still there can you believe that. Oh baby girl I miss you so. Oh Lord if I could just have a few more days. I am so proud of you Nicole. I was so afraid you would get hurt in some way. You just don't know how mom worried about you. I was terrified of losing you or Nick. Now that Bub is driving Im so scared he will get hurt. Oh sis the loss of you is almost more than moms heart can take . Babied and Nikita are doing fine. I was going to walk them but never could find their collars. Missies don't leave you those surprises anymore . Remember that Sunday before you left you gave her a big lecture about those surprises. I remember it well. I remember a lot of things about that Sunday morning. Oh sis if only you had called in that day. I remember you saying I don't wont to go to work today. I have thought about it so many times. Oh sis if only you could have seen the kindness that was shown. The cards, flowers, the financial, the prayers, the food, the quilt that covered you at the scene the people gave it to us , the hugs, the comforting words. You would have been so proud. I sat there thinking if Nicole could see just how much she was really loved. Your friends wow you had a lot of them. You just didnt realize how many lives you touched. You was special sis . I knew that from the very first time mom looked at your pictures. I remember the very first night you were gone to Alice Lloyd this house as so quite, the loneliness it just hurt so bad as it does now only worse now I know you are never coming home again.

I LOVE YOU SIS!! MOMS HEART WILL ALWAYS BROKEN

 

 

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April 17, 2004

Hi Sis, Mom misses you so. Last week it rained and I went to the cemetery, and as I stood there I remembered us sitting on our porch when you were small wrapped in a quilt because it was raining reading to you . You loved going to the library and loved books. Lord Sis I love you so. Sis, mom has a lot a beautiful memories but the hurt is so bad right now its hard to remember sometimes. Granny and I spent the evening at the cemetery yesterday, planting flowers. I worry about Granny to she is not doing good Nicole. Missie loves going to the cemetery she now has learned she gets to go everyday. Your web site is beautiful you would love it. Sis you gave us so much . You gave us love , you gave us a happiness that words cant explain, you gave me a friendship I treasured so. You took quietness from our home and gave it life. We was so proud of you. I love you so baby girl Moms world will never be the same. Dads and Nicks wont either they miss you so much but they dont talk much. A guy thing I know thats what you would tell me. Oh by the way Bub still gets that attitude. I know its a guy thing nothing personal, thats what you always told me. Yea and He loves me I know. Thanks Sis! I love you, Mom     

 


                                   April 14, 2004

Nicole baby, Mom has missed you so bad this evening. It just hurts so bad sis. My heart is breaking. Things will never be the same again. Me, Dad and Nick went to the new super Walmart today was the first day to open. It is huge and you would love it. We could stay there for hours. I miss shopping with you. I got so sad while I was there I just wanted to leave. Oh Sis how do I go on. I know I have to because thats the way life is but Oh Sis it is horrible. I loved you so much. You know I always told you Dad and Nick dont talk much. Oh baby girl I miss talking to you I miss watching tv with you. I havent watched tv at all hardly since you been gone. Only turn it on and off . I love you Sis!!

                       

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March 8,2005
Hey Baby Girl
I was sitting here thinking of you. mom went to work but the roads got bad and they closed school. Nick is visiting a friend and Mom has slept a lot today. When I take a nap and I awake I miss you so bad. The house is so quite without you . Sometimes I think I will go nuts from the quiteness . Dad does most all the cooking and dishwashing since he no longer works. I think he misses being with people. He misses you so and has some really hard days being here alone all day. I remember you saying it is no fun staying home when everyone else has things to do. I love you girl
Lov Mom

April 11, 2004

Nicole,

As I set here this Easter Sunday, I think about last year. Remember we hid eggs because you wonted to. Bub, didnt wont to today. It has been a sad day. Try as hard as we can we can not help it. Nick has had friends here all weekend. Ant, Denver, and David stayed last night. So today I made dinner . Ant took grannies to her. I got Bubs candy this year. I remembered you saying you didnt wont a basket but you needed the candy. Dad left to go see Grannie Spencer ,he hated to go but she is pretty sick and we know only to well how quick someone can be gone. She is in the hospital. Sis, I miss you so!!! Ever time I see something purple I think of you. Last week at work I pretended I was whining because of something I had to do and it came to me so strong how you imitated the little boy at preschool when he didnt want to do something. Lord Sis, my heart breaks. Sometimes my heart hurts so bad. It cries without tears. I found your visitor tag in one of my books at work.

It was so hard to go back, because you called and stopped by. Dad has a hard time keeping his mind on things at work. I took you a little basket of purple gems to your grave and a basket of pretty rocks . I know how you once liked pretty rocks when you was younger. I picked out pictures for your website last week took me hours to do it I wanted to send them all. Still not sure about the ones I sent. You know me how hard it is to make a decision.. Remember how you made fun of Grannie and me because we couldnt decide on something. I want the world to know how much we loved you. I love you Sis. I miss you so very bad. Nick says its lonesome with you gone. Carl (you know Santa Claus) said last week he will always remember your smile. I love you baby girl wish we had another chance for you to come home but God had other plans. I know not why but he knows whats best and we have to live with whatever life deals us. But it sure isn't easy Nicole and this is one time I m sure having a hard time going on. love ya, Mom

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April 8,2004
Hi Nicole,
sitting here thinking of you, as I do mostly 24-7. Dad and Carl planted a tree in front of the living room window this evening. The school got it for us in memory of you, and they also planted one at school. That was so touching Dad and I cried. Mrs. Sandlin said we didn't do this to make you sad but Sis, we are sad a lot. You have been gone 6 weeks this Sunday, Easter Sunday. I remember what you told me last year. I didn't have to get a basket but you still needed the candy. Nick has slept all evening. He set up late last night and then went to school. He has been missing school some. You know he wouldn't miss hardly for anything. Aunt Lue, got a little dog and you would love
it. She named it Smokey. You probably wouldn't like the name . I have talked to Aunt Jan almost everday since you have been gone. Cam is doing good. Granny Baker and Granny Spencer
are not doing so good. I talked to Brandie this week and she was going to contact your friends to put things on your Memorial web page. Hannah Donald and BJ are going to move to their
new home soon, we will miss them.  I love you Nicole. Mom

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April 4, 2004

Nicole, today makes 5 weeks you have been gone . Baby girl it hurts as much today as it did the first day. We all miss you so. Nick had Denver up last night they had paint ball fight . You know how nick loves those paint balls. There are so many times I wish I could tell you something . I miss our talks about all our worries. I miss you telling me you love me. I miss all your clutter all over the house. Dad and Nick miss you to they cant talk about it. Oh Nicole wish I could put my arms around you one more time. Wish I could hold your hand. Wish I could have held your hand the day of the accident. I have worried so because I didnt get to hold your hand I know how scared you got during your allergy attacks. You was always afraid for me to leave you for just a minute. Oh sissy mom would have been there if she could have . Dad called work and they said you wasnt there, I called your cell and told you to call we was getting so worried. We left right away coming to check on you. We came upon the scene you was already gone. Oh sis, our lives will never be the same again. Love you Sissy, Mom

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3-29-04

We got your monument ordered today Nicole and Lord that was so hard, but we wanted it in before Memorial Day. We also have a lot of work at the cemetery to do. Granny isn't doing good she walked to the cemetery with me this evening, She gets lonesome while I'm working. We all miss and love you so much! Mom

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Connie, this is your pages to write what ever you are feeling to Nicole. I have one on Shaun's site "Messages From Mom". Sometimes in the middle of the night when you can't sleep and you just wish you could talk to her go to this page and pour out your heart. Don't ever think your feeling are wrong its part of our healing. What us Mothers sometimes think and feel might be a little different from what others feel but if you are a mothers and have lost a child we all have something in common, our heart are breaking into and will never be the same again.

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